Heal America, Run Dwayne Johnson and Oprah
I'm writing thirty posts in thirty days, again. This is number four.
Having come from Canada, living in America’s political climate is pretty depressing, for obvious reasons—we’re divided, and the division is treated as intrinsic, a fact of nature. Sure, Trumpism and anti-Trumpism kind of bought us all to another level, but it was already fairly nasty. But I don’t think this is inevitable. I think we can turn it around in one fell swoop, by getting Dwayne Johnson and Oprah to run for president.
The trick is that you’d have to make the Rock run as a Republican, and Oprah as a Democrat.
I’m not sure that this is actually impossible. Johnson voted Obama and Biden, but you don’t really have to be, like, a Marxist to have done so. He could easily be characterized as a neverTrumper swing voter. Also, he’s spoken at both the Democratic and Republican National Conventions. And, finally, he appears to be quietly Christian, says God is important to him, and is arguably more culturally red state than blue, with the whole wrestling/football thing, as well as the intimidating musculature.
In an Oprah/Rock race, most identity politics stuff would be off the table immediately. Oprah would mention the historic possibility of the first female president, but wouldn’t impugn the Rock, and wouldn’t make it the most meaningful part of her campaign, which was one of Hilary’s many errors. Nothing would get nasty between them, ever, and both candidates would immediately repudiate any displays of hostility among their supporters. Everyone would be forced to agree that the election would represent a simple conflict of values.
Imagine the debate. It would be even more boring than the current debates!
Opening hardball question for the Rock: in light of the death of George Floyd, what is the Republican position on American policing? Johnson would remark skillfully on Floyd’s tragic death, but also gently, understandingly rebuke calls to abolish the police. He’d stress the need for police reform and racial comity without losing sight of security, which, after all, is especially required in disadvantaged communities. This would basically converge with Oprah’s answer, except for a few minor differences in wording and emphasis; she might use words like ‘de-militarization,’ or something.
Question for Oprah: in the wake of pandemic stimulus packages, how are we going to bring the national debt under control? Oprah would joke that she wished she could give everyone a car, but that, unfortunately, this would run counter to her environmental commitments. She’d agree with the need to be fiscally responsible, but would still commit to a more modest ongoing set of stimulus packages. Nothing like the Green New Deal or anything. The Rock would acknowledge the ongoing post-pandemic struggles of many Americans, but would stress that profligate spending could damage the next generation’s prospects—after all, we don’t live in Jumanji. He raises his eyebrow, everyone chuckles and pretends this joke makes sense.
The whole thing would go like that. Oprah would be very slightly to the left of Obama, and the Rock would be basically dead middle. On most issues, their differences would be aesthetic more than practical, maybe even on gun control and abortion.
It would be harmless. The only interesting moments might be in town hall debates, where they might have to field questions from somewhat alienated party diehards; both would answer these questions with near-supernatural ease.
Neither side would be super disappointed if the other side won. The winning party would pledge to work with the losing one, and they actually might. In the end, the counterfactual differences between administrations would be minimal. (Even more so than usual, some cynics would opine.) Everything continues going perfectly, assuming we run anodyne, super-charismatic celebs against each other forever.
Or this could end with The Rock and Oprah being installed as consuls, and the revival of hereditary succession. Which would also be okay, probably.