Wow, this is a fantastic explanation of so many things. I'm going to be chewing on it for a long time.
A few years ago, I found myself in a similar situation to what you describe in stage 6. I was regularly leading a Taizé music service at my church (this is a meditative spiritual practice somewhere inbetween Gregorian chant and folk music, based out of an Ecumenical monastery in Taizé, France.) I have an ability to be very spiritually open while singing and talking, and I found that a handful of people who came to the service felt that to be an invitation to other kinds of openness. They wanted to pour out their spiritual, emotional, or personal troubles to me, or they generally felt like they were more intimate friends with me than they actually were. Or they felt a sense of ownership over me, and were eager to tell me how to best further and use my gifts. This made me EXTREMELY uncomfortable, and was one of the reasons I quit leading the service. After reading this essay, I have a deeper understanding of what was going on and why.
Obviously I missed a golden opportunity to become a cult leader. ;-)
Nowadays, I am focused more on the visual arts, where I can put spiritual energy into an object, and then physically absent myself from the viewer. This is an aloofness I crave! I suppose that's why people who have high levels of spiritual equipment often seek hermitage.
My primary lifetime spiritual guide is Julian of Norwich, and she was an anchorite, which means she lived walled up in a little cell attached to her church. I like that idea because the mystic is still participating in a local community, but there are very clear expectations and boundaries for what that participation entails.
Ooof. 6 really hit home. I’m a very open and present person, but I keep finding myself in situations where people expect more than I can offer and having way too many open energetic loops.
Sounds like there might be some more anxious attachment work I still need to do, but a part of me wonders why we can’t have a default loving authentic present orientation without having to be besties.
Im so glad I found you. You are basically me but much further down the path of self understanding and confidence building and its like you are showing me the way forward. Cheers.
I'm still processing, but there's something here I relate to. I recently went through a gnarly, disorienting divorce, and during and after that I connected with people as never before. There was a new emotionality and vulnerability, and it somehow made me more approachable. Friends old and new started sharing stories of struggle and trauma that I'd never been party to before and told me I make them feel seen. I'd always been open and candid, but it seems empathy and relatability were the missing pieces that unlocked a certain kind of connection.
Thank you for all this incredible insight! It made me understand so much about myself. I actually recoiled at 'I don't know why I am telling you this, I've never told anymore before' - I literally exclaimed out loud 'I hate it when that happens!!' And then you give great insight in how people feel when they get a level of attunement or presence they might have never gotten before. And I realize for the first time in my life that I can actually steer this level of connection as you say, in order to prevent this from happening. This will help greatly in overcoming compassion fatigue. Again, thank you!
I was definitely like you as an adolescent, but different career trajectories have lead to different outcomes. I’m a doctor, and I’m good at being “doctory” in different ways with different people- to the point of getting away with making quite dangerous jokes with some of them, and swearing if the vibe is right, that those people really love.
I could do the same “openness” thing if I went into palliative care or something, but it wouldn’t work in my specialty, where I have to keep things flowing. Jobs can change so much! I’ve often thought we should get socially anxious young people to work in old man pubs to teach them how to cope, I think it would work…
> Previously, I’d thought there were two choices you had with a social script: reject it, or go along with it. But I started developing an instinct for a third choice: how to take the other person sideways, into the weirdness of open possibility, where it’s not clear how anyone should feel, and there are no requirements.
Yesterday I went to an event called 'Sexy Circling', and I realized I prefer my connection to be at like 3..7 level (on a 10-point scale) when I am in reasonably good mental health: reasonably friendly but not to deep, more about playing social games or messing with them in a friendly way, then connecting deeply or not connecting at all. I'm now contemplating the certain symmetry in this: like maybe to connect deeply you may also need to be able to break connection effectively and vice versa.
Can confirm the linked essay ("prosocial mischief...") felt like a relevant and useful adjunct to how Sasha described his "loosening your grip on the game" stage in this essay. Sasha's section describes the other waiter and his highly strange behavior, which show how far one can take this and still have it "work"; the linked essay is a nice complement in describing things that are only slightly weird, which seems like a useful starting point for playing with scripts.
Didn't follow the link from this comment, but later when I'd forgotten about it I read this linked post when it popped up on my timeline. Came back here and was going to post it myself.
Amazing piece, thank you! I must ask: with familiar people, I hesitate to experiment with different modes of connection because I worry it will come off as fake or inconsistent (compared to my usual approach). Did you mostly experiment with strangers (e.g. waiting tables) & then only changed things up with friends/family when it felt natural? Or did you find it fine to do so directly?
I wonder whether this is mostly a matter of buliding up an energetic tolerance...as in, if I feel limited in offering a certain type of attention, it's best to keep that offering for time-boxed interactions until I feel more generously capable (yes I do lean a bit avoidant...)
"Previously, I’d thought there were two choices you had with a social script: reject it, or go along with it. But I started developing an instinct for a third choice: how to take the other person sideways, into the weirdness of open possibility, where it’s not clear how anyone should feel, and there are no requirements."
And I have some thoughts about this:
"You want more connection? Why do you need that, right now? Can’t you be comfortable on your own?"
Is it possible that "comfortable on your own" is a description of connection with yourself?
And regarding this:
"Connection is about projecting love and acceptance"
It seems to me that projecting love is an actually loving thing to do and that projecting acceptance is an actually accepting thing to do.
It occurs to me that people with alcoholic or drug addicted parents learn 2 and 4 very early. For those people, their journey might be to learn how to let actually let go of and deprioritize those skills.
Beautiful. I have a similar trajectory - also re-affirms the value of having service jobs when you're young... you learn so much about people and how to be in the world. It's not about the cash you get as a young person, clearly.
I feel a bit behind you on the latter stages, but am discovering that spaciousness when meeting people who want to talk to me about mortality. There's something in me that shifts things for people, and I hear similar things ('I've ever said that to anyone...') that is less about the therapeutic nervous system capacity per se, as more about the willingness to actually be open to listening.
Thanks so much for this - I enjoyed it deeply and made me feel less alone in my own struggles to connect with others and the world.
Wow, this is a fantastic explanation of so many things. I'm going to be chewing on it for a long time.
A few years ago, I found myself in a similar situation to what you describe in stage 6. I was regularly leading a Taizé music service at my church (this is a meditative spiritual practice somewhere inbetween Gregorian chant and folk music, based out of an Ecumenical monastery in Taizé, France.) I have an ability to be very spiritually open while singing and talking, and I found that a handful of people who came to the service felt that to be an invitation to other kinds of openness. They wanted to pour out their spiritual, emotional, or personal troubles to me, or they generally felt like they were more intimate friends with me than they actually were. Or they felt a sense of ownership over me, and were eager to tell me how to best further and use my gifts. This made me EXTREMELY uncomfortable, and was one of the reasons I quit leading the service. After reading this essay, I have a deeper understanding of what was going on and why.
Obviously I missed a golden opportunity to become a cult leader. ;-)
Nowadays, I am focused more on the visual arts, where I can put spiritual energy into an object, and then physically absent myself from the viewer. This is an aloofness I crave! I suppose that's why people who have high levels of spiritual equipment often seek hermitage.
My primary lifetime spiritual guide is Julian of Norwich, and she was an anchorite, which means she lived walled up in a little cell attached to her church. I like that idea because the mystic is still participating in a local community, but there are very clear expectations and boundaries for what that participation entails.
Ooof. 6 really hit home. I’m a very open and present person, but I keep finding myself in situations where people expect more than I can offer and having way too many open energetic loops.
Sounds like there might be some more anxious attachment work I still need to do, but a part of me wonders why we can’t have a default loving authentic present orientation without having to be besties.
"a part of me wonders why we can’t have a default loving authentic present orientation without having to be besties"
Same!
Im so glad I found you. You are basically me but much further down the path of self understanding and confidence building and its like you are showing me the way forward. Cheers.
I'm still processing, but there's something here I relate to. I recently went through a gnarly, disorienting divorce, and during and after that I connected with people as never before. There was a new emotionality and vulnerability, and it somehow made me more approachable. Friends old and new started sharing stories of struggle and trauma that I'd never been party to before and told me I make them feel seen. I'd always been open and candid, but it seems empathy and relatability were the missing pieces that unlocked a certain kind of connection.
Being brokenhearted can open you up in a lovely and surprising way.
I’m not sure how you are about to articulate so many things I believe to be true but haven’t actually thought explicitly or said out loud.
I never understood people having favourite “celebrity couples” until I discovered Sasha and Cate.
Thank you for all this incredible insight! It made me understand so much about myself. I actually recoiled at 'I don't know why I am telling you this, I've never told anymore before' - I literally exclaimed out loud 'I hate it when that happens!!' And then you give great insight in how people feel when they get a level of attunement or presence they might have never gotten before. And I realize for the first time in my life that I can actually steer this level of connection as you say, in order to prevent this from happening. This will help greatly in overcoming compassion fatigue. Again, thank you!
I was definitely like you as an adolescent, but different career trajectories have lead to different outcomes. I’m a doctor, and I’m good at being “doctory” in different ways with different people- to the point of getting away with making quite dangerous jokes with some of them, and swearing if the vibe is right, that those people really love.
I could do the same “openness” thing if I went into palliative care or something, but it wouldn’t work in my specialty, where I have to keep things flowing. Jobs can change so much! I’ve often thought we should get socially anxious young people to work in old man pubs to teach them how to cope, I think it would work…
What fresh schizophrenia variant is this lol
I'm a shy, introverted, reserved person. This all sounds so EXHAUSTING.
True. It's just that some people have less energy for effort than others! No fix for that.
Exercise
> Previously, I’d thought there were two choices you had with a social script: reject it, or go along with it. But I started developing an instinct for a third choice: how to take the other person sideways, into the weirdness of open possibility, where it’s not clear how anyone should feel, and there are no requirements.
A couple of years ago I wrote an essay on a similar topic: “Prosocial mischief: gently fucking with social scripts via improv”: https://psychotechnology.substack.com/p/prosocial-mischief-gently-fucking
> 6: Connection is something I can take or leave
Yesterday I went to an event called 'Sexy Circling', and I realized I prefer my connection to be at like 3..7 level (on a 10-point scale) when I am in reasonably good mental health: reasonably friendly but not to deep, more about playing social games or messing with them in a friendly way, then connecting deeply or not connecting at all. I'm now contemplating the certain symmetry in this: like maybe to connect deeply you may also need to be able to break connection effectively and vice versa.
Can confirm the linked essay ("prosocial mischief...") felt like a relevant and useful adjunct to how Sasha described his "loosening your grip on the game" stage in this essay. Sasha's section describes the other waiter and his highly strange behavior, which show how far one can take this and still have it "work"; the linked essay is a nice complement in describing things that are only slightly weird, which seems like a useful starting point for playing with scripts.
Didn't follow the link from this comment, but later when I'd forgotten about it I read this linked post when it popped up on my timeline. Came back here and was going to post it myself.
Amazing piece, thank you! I must ask: with familiar people, I hesitate to experiment with different modes of connection because I worry it will come off as fake or inconsistent (compared to my usual approach). Did you mostly experiment with strangers (e.g. waiting tables) & then only changed things up with friends/family when it felt natural? Or did you find it fine to do so directly?
I wonder whether this is mostly a matter of buliding up an energetic tolerance...as in, if I feel limited in offering a certain type of attention, it's best to keep that offering for time-boxed interactions until I feel more generously capable (yes I do lean a bit avoidant...)
Dear Sasha,
I love this piece.
This is really great:
"Previously, I’d thought there were two choices you had with a social script: reject it, or go along with it. But I started developing an instinct for a third choice: how to take the other person sideways, into the weirdness of open possibility, where it’s not clear how anyone should feel, and there are no requirements."
And I have some thoughts about this:
"You want more connection? Why do you need that, right now? Can’t you be comfortable on your own?"
Is it possible that "comfortable on your own" is a description of connection with yourself?
And regarding this:
"Connection is about projecting love and acceptance"
It seems to me that projecting love is an actually loving thing to do and that projecting acceptance is an actually accepting thing to do.
Thank you for sharing all of this!
Love (and Acceptance!)
Myq
It occurs to me that people with alcoholic or drug addicted parents learn 2 and 4 very early. For those people, their journey might be to learn how to let actually let go of and deprioritize those skills.
Beautiful. I have a similar trajectory - also re-affirms the value of having service jobs when you're young... you learn so much about people and how to be in the world. It's not about the cash you get as a young person, clearly.
I feel a bit behind you on the latter stages, but am discovering that spaciousness when meeting people who want to talk to me about mortality. There's something in me that shifts things for people, and I hear similar things ('I've ever said that to anyone...') that is less about the therapeutic nervous system capacity per se, as more about the willingness to actually be open to listening.
Thanks so much for this - I enjoyed it deeply and made me feel less alone in my own struggles to connect with others and the world.
Clocks my experience so well. He can't keep getting away with this
this is one for the ages