Ooof. 6 really hit home. I’m a very open and present person, but I keep finding myself in situations where people expect more than I can offer and having way too many open energetic loops.
Sounds like there might be some more anxious attachment work I still need to do, but a part of me wonders why we can’t have a default loving authentic present orientation without having to be besties.
I literally screamed YESSSSS! Out loud at that last sentence because it’s literally my biggest struggle in life rn and all I talk about in therapy lol. Being an open person + a people pleaser means you end up with a lot of “best friends” on accident lmao
Wow, this is a fantastic explanation of so many things. I'm going to be chewing on it for a long time.
A few years ago, I found myself in a similar situation to what you describe in stage 6. I was regularly leading a Taizé music service at my church (this is a meditative spiritual practice somewhere inbetween Gregorian chant and folk music, based out of an Ecumenical monastery in Taizé, France.) I have an ability to be very spiritually open while singing and talking, and I found that a handful of people who came to the service felt that to be an invitation to other kinds of openness. They wanted to pour out their spiritual, emotional, or personal troubles to me, or they generally felt like they were more intimate friends with me than they actually were. Or they felt a sense of ownership over me, and were eager to tell me how to best further and use my gifts. This made me EXTREMELY uncomfortable, and was one of the reasons I quit leading the service. After reading this essay, I have a deeper understanding of what was going on and why.
Obviously I missed a golden opportunity to become a cult leader. ;-)
Nowadays, I am focused more on the visual arts, where I can put spiritual energy into an object, and then physically absent myself from the viewer. This is an aloofness I crave! I suppose that's why people who have high levels of spiritual equipment often seek hermitage.
My primary lifetime spiritual guide is Julian of Norwich, and she was an anchorite, which means she lived walled up in a little cell attached to her church. I like that idea because the mystic is still participating in a local community, but there are very clear expectations and boundaries for what that participation entails.
Im so glad I found you. You are basically me but much further down the path of self understanding and confidence building and its like you are showing me the way forward. Cheers.
I'm still processing, but there's something here I relate to. I recently went through a gnarly, disorienting divorce, and during and after that I connected with people as never before. There was a new emotionality and vulnerability, and it somehow made me more approachable. Friends old and new started sharing stories of struggle and trauma that I'd never been party to before and told me I make them feel seen. I'd always been open and candid, but it seems empathy and relatability were the missing pieces that unlocked a certain kind of connection.
> Previously, I’d thought there were two choices you had with a social script: reject it, or go along with it. But I started developing an instinct for a third choice: how to take the other person sideways, into the weirdness of open possibility, where it’s not clear how anyone should feel, and there are no requirements.
Yesterday I went to an event called 'Sexy Circling', and I realized I prefer my connection to be at like 3..7 level (on a 10-point scale) when I am in reasonably good mental health: reasonably friendly but not to deep, more about playing social games or messing with them in a friendly way, then connecting deeply or not connecting at all. I'm now contemplating the certain symmetry in this: like maybe to connect deeply you may also need to be able to break connection effectively and vice versa.
Can confirm the linked essay ("prosocial mischief...") felt like a relevant and useful adjunct to how Sasha described his "loosening your grip on the game" stage in this essay. Sasha's section describes the other waiter and his highly strange behavior, which show how far one can take this and still have it "work"; the linked essay is a nice complement in describing things that are only slightly weird, which seems like a useful starting point for playing with scripts.
Didn't follow the link from this comment, but later when I'd forgotten about it I read this linked post when it popped up on my timeline. Came back here and was going to post it myself.
Thank you for all this incredible insight! It made me understand so much about myself. I actually recoiled at 'I don't know why I am telling you this, I've never told anymore before' - I literally exclaimed out loud 'I hate it when that happens!!' And then you give great insight in how people feel when they get a level of attunement or presence they might have never gotten before. And I realize for the first time in my life that I can actually steer this level of connection as you say, in order to prevent this from happening. This will help greatly in overcoming compassion fatigue. Again, thank you!
It occurs to me that people with alcoholic or drug addicted parents learn 2 and 4 very early. For those people, their journey might be to learn how to let actually let go of and deprioritize those skills.
Amazing piece, thank you! I must ask: with familiar people, I hesitate to experiment with different modes of connection because I worry it will come off as fake or inconsistent (compared to my usual approach). Did you mostly experiment with strangers (e.g. waiting tables) & then only changed things up with friends/family when it felt natural? Or did you find it fine to do so directly?
I wonder whether this is mostly a matter of buliding up an energetic tolerance...as in, if I feel limited in offering a certain type of attention, it's best to keep that offering for time-boxed interactions until I feel more generously capable (yes I do lean a bit avoidant...)
"Previously, I’d thought there were two choices you had with a social script: reject it, or go along with it. But I started developing an instinct for a third choice: how to take the other person sideways, into the weirdness of open possibility, where it’s not clear how anyone should feel, and there are no requirements."
And I have some thoughts about this:
"You want more connection? Why do you need that, right now? Can’t you be comfortable on your own?"
Is it possible that "comfortable on your own" is a description of connection with yourself?
And regarding this:
"Connection is about projecting love and acceptance"
It seems to me that projecting love is an actually loving thing to do and that projecting acceptance is an actually accepting thing to do.
Ooof. 6 really hit home. I’m a very open and present person, but I keep finding myself in situations where people expect more than I can offer and having way too many open energetic loops.
Sounds like there might be some more anxious attachment work I still need to do, but a part of me wonders why we can’t have a default loving authentic present orientation without having to be besties.
"a part of me wonders why we can’t have a default loving authentic present orientation without having to be besties"
Same!
I literally screamed YESSSSS! Out loud at that last sentence because it’s literally my biggest struggle in life rn and all I talk about in therapy lol. Being an open person + a people pleaser means you end up with a lot of “best friends” on accident lmao
Wow, this is a fantastic explanation of so many things. I'm going to be chewing on it for a long time.
A few years ago, I found myself in a similar situation to what you describe in stage 6. I was regularly leading a Taizé music service at my church (this is a meditative spiritual practice somewhere inbetween Gregorian chant and folk music, based out of an Ecumenical monastery in Taizé, France.) I have an ability to be very spiritually open while singing and talking, and I found that a handful of people who came to the service felt that to be an invitation to other kinds of openness. They wanted to pour out their spiritual, emotional, or personal troubles to me, or they generally felt like they were more intimate friends with me than they actually were. Or they felt a sense of ownership over me, and were eager to tell me how to best further and use my gifts. This made me EXTREMELY uncomfortable, and was one of the reasons I quit leading the service. After reading this essay, I have a deeper understanding of what was going on and why.
Obviously I missed a golden opportunity to become a cult leader. ;-)
Nowadays, I am focused more on the visual arts, where I can put spiritual energy into an object, and then physically absent myself from the viewer. This is an aloofness I crave! I suppose that's why people who have high levels of spiritual equipment often seek hermitage.
My primary lifetime spiritual guide is Julian of Norwich, and she was an anchorite, which means she lived walled up in a little cell attached to her church. I like that idea because the mystic is still participating in a local community, but there are very clear expectations and boundaries for what that participation entails.
Im so glad I found you. You are basically me but much further down the path of self understanding and confidence building and its like you are showing me the way forward. Cheers.
I'm still processing, but there's something here I relate to. I recently went through a gnarly, disorienting divorce, and during and after that I connected with people as never before. There was a new emotionality and vulnerability, and it somehow made me more approachable. Friends old and new started sharing stories of struggle and trauma that I'd never been party to before and told me I make them feel seen. I'd always been open and candid, but it seems empathy and relatability were the missing pieces that unlocked a certain kind of connection.
Being brokenhearted can open you up in a lovely and surprising way.
Socially awkward teen here solidly in stage one. Thank you so much for writing this.
The world is yours!
I never understood people having favourite “celebrity couples” until I discovered Sasha and Cate.
I’m not sure how you are about to articulate so many things I believe to be true but haven’t actually thought explicitly or said out loud.
THIS IS GOLD
just realised i've done all of this unintentionally since my teens ! beautifully written <3
What do you think helped most in healing the anxious attachment?
Really only two things:
1) Learning how to tolerate the sensations of being triggered by distance or misunderstanding without jumping into narratives.
2) Deeply questioning whether I needed anyone else to be any particular way for me to be happy.
This is one of the best things I've ever done for myself. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't complicated.
I'm a shy, introverted, reserved person. This all sounds so EXHAUSTING.
True. It's just that some people have less energy for effort than others! No fix for that.
Exercise
> Previously, I’d thought there were two choices you had with a social script: reject it, or go along with it. But I started developing an instinct for a third choice: how to take the other person sideways, into the weirdness of open possibility, where it’s not clear how anyone should feel, and there are no requirements.
A couple of years ago I wrote an essay on a similar topic: “Prosocial mischief: gently fucking with social scripts via improv”: https://psychotechnology.substack.com/p/prosocial-mischief-gently-fucking
> 6: Connection is something I can take or leave
Yesterday I went to an event called 'Sexy Circling', and I realized I prefer my connection to be at like 3..7 level (on a 10-point scale) when I am in reasonably good mental health: reasonably friendly but not to deep, more about playing social games or messing with them in a friendly way, then connecting deeply or not connecting at all. I'm now contemplating the certain symmetry in this: like maybe to connect deeply you may also need to be able to break connection effectively and vice versa.
Can confirm the linked essay ("prosocial mischief...") felt like a relevant and useful adjunct to how Sasha described his "loosening your grip on the game" stage in this essay. Sasha's section describes the other waiter and his highly strange behavior, which show how far one can take this and still have it "work"; the linked essay is a nice complement in describing things that are only slightly weird, which seems like a useful starting point for playing with scripts.
Didn't follow the link from this comment, but later when I'd forgotten about it I read this linked post when it popped up on my timeline. Came back here and was going to post it myself.
Thank you for all this incredible insight! It made me understand so much about myself. I actually recoiled at 'I don't know why I am telling you this, I've never told anymore before' - I literally exclaimed out loud 'I hate it when that happens!!' And then you give great insight in how people feel when they get a level of attunement or presence they might have never gotten before. And I realize for the first time in my life that I can actually steer this level of connection as you say, in order to prevent this from happening. This will help greatly in overcoming compassion fatigue. Again, thank you!
It occurs to me that people with alcoholic or drug addicted parents learn 2 and 4 very early. For those people, their journey might be to learn how to let actually let go of and deprioritize those skills.
Amazing piece, thank you! I must ask: with familiar people, I hesitate to experiment with different modes of connection because I worry it will come off as fake or inconsistent (compared to my usual approach). Did you mostly experiment with strangers (e.g. waiting tables) & then only changed things up with friends/family when it felt natural? Or did you find it fine to do so directly?
I wonder whether this is mostly a matter of buliding up an energetic tolerance...as in, if I feel limited in offering a certain type of attention, it's best to keep that offering for time-boxed interactions until I feel more generously capable (yes I do lean a bit avoidant...)
Dear Sasha,
I love this piece.
This is really great:
"Previously, I’d thought there were two choices you had with a social script: reject it, or go along with it. But I started developing an instinct for a third choice: how to take the other person sideways, into the weirdness of open possibility, where it’s not clear how anyone should feel, and there are no requirements."
And I have some thoughts about this:
"You want more connection? Why do you need that, right now? Can’t you be comfortable on your own?"
Is it possible that "comfortable on your own" is a description of connection with yourself?
And regarding this:
"Connection is about projecting love and acceptance"
It seems to me that projecting love is an actually loving thing to do and that projecting acceptance is an actually accepting thing to do.
Thank you for sharing all of this!
Love (and Acceptance!)
Myq