Sasha I have been meditating for over 4 years and have on occasion glimpsed some of what you have described, but reading your words gives me new insight and hope I will hopefully be able to bring to my practice. Thank you so much for sharing the “strange” parts of your meditation journey, I will be thinking about this post for years to come.
Beautiful. This series of small stories describing Eternity reminded me of a few of my favorite authors, who seemed to have had similar experiences. Your Eternal Carpet experience perfectly mirrors Huxley’s Holy Fabric experience. Your frightening and then gorgeous epiphany of Eternal Existence mirrors Nietzsche’s horrifying and then ecstatic realization of Eternal Recurrence. And my favorite line, “……I knew I had been forever changed, into the thing I’d already been.”—A perfect koan if I’ve ever heard one. You had become the “hub of the wheel’d Universe” as Whitman put it. Beautiful.
Despite being about letting go of control, I feel like reading this has given me some additional inspiration to practice. Also, the writing in this one was lovely.
something similar. seeing myself as a participant in my own life as opposed to at the helm of it, i have begun seeing others in the same way. i am becoming more patient and compassionate. people don't have control, even over the frames they see through.
Rereading for the second time this amazing story has just made me feel a bit freer, a bit more settled into the moment. Thank you. I believe I've seen the Timeless Carpet once. I'm sure I'll see it again at some point, and I think your post is making me realize I'm okay not knowing when.
Do you feel now that everything you see throughout your day has a tinge of the Timeless Carpet, or does it just appear mostly momentarily, at peak meditative or emotional moments?
I have a couple of questions about the meditation practices that led you here : did you ever stick to a must-not-miss-a-day daily meditation practice? If so, did you feel that it was a challenge to do so?
I'd also like to know about your current meditation practice. I mean a practice that involves some time set aside to do just meditation. Do you have one still, and if so, how do you relate to it? Is there a sense of having to maintain the focus or discipline to sit regularly , or is that gone as well?
Ps : Also, I would love to read, in future posts, whatever you would like to write about the void. :)
I'd say that most of my waking moments have some trace of whatever you'd want to call that thing: voidness, Emptiness, whatever. This is something I enjoy a lot, I'm very lucky.
I never stuck to a must-not-miss practice for long, honestly. There have been stretches of pretty dedicated daily practice, like for periods of months, which was helpful, but occasionally life knocked me out of it, and that is/was okay. I think I was less dedicated to a schedule, and more dedicated about looking at discrete aspects of my experience, or sticking with self-inquiry questions, like, "who am I," or "what is mind composed of," or "where is the boundary of self and other," or "what is stopping me from surrendering right now." Before my first big glimpse of The Thing, I spent a lot of time off the cushion labeling self-sensations as "not me, not mine," and that got quite psychoactive at moments. I think some obsessiveness can help, as long as you have life constraints that will notify you if you're being too crazy.
At this point, my daily meditation practice is half an hour ish of do nothing practice when I get up, or "natural meditation" or "give up", as I alternately think of these things. There are a lot of moments of it throughout the day, also.
The void is a good suggestion, I will listen to that suggestion in all likelihood.
It also really helped me to do some half-baked version of koan practice, carrying around a mantra like "what is your original face before your parents were born," or frequently listening to a song that seemed particularly Void-y... like this, for example https://open.spotify.com/track/1d6BkMki9M6K0yp9OLBzOM?si=571e0a2ce1844dfe
Thank you Sasha with your generosity to replying to comments :)
I find all of the above helpful. Interesting coincidence, my friend said to me recently that he was told this same koan you cite, and he told me the story of how it became influential in his life.
I can see how off the cushion practice can be just as powerful, this is a really good reminder, and I appreciate your concrete examples. I feel that holding in mind a question about self is a good practice for me right now.
I'm excited you're thinking of picking up the idea of writing about the void!! I feel like it's become my ''cosmic lover'', something delicious to relax into, and like any newly infatuated person, I just can't hear enough about the object of my affections. I know this sounds weird, but given this is a reply to a post about weird experiences, it might be a weirdly appropriate comment. :)
Sasha, thank you so much for writing this. It came at a perfect time. I've been doing the "give up" practice in my meditation for a while, but hadn't thought of applying it to life itself. Today was day one of total surrender, and it was great, especially since I've been in a stressful law school finals season.
So for me there's typically a step change around 50 minutes — things start to get really psychoactive around there (although there have always been diminishing returns around minute 90 for me).
It was also a certain amount of obsessive off-the-cushion self-inquiry.
This is so incredibly beautiful and, truly, the submission I seek from "compare and despair". Where should I start with meditating? My brain feels so addled, my self seems so shackled...
The answer is very different depending on how you feel! Email me telling me a little bit about why you want to meditate, and how you feel day to day? sasha.chapin@gmail.com
You alluded to many reasons in your article: 1) The second-guessing whether I’m doing it correctly or the way it’s meant to be done, and 2) Exerting control has meant a sense of security for so long that it feels difficult to part with it consciously.
In my experience, the controller kind of peacefully settles down if you stop giving it work, like with, say, 45min+ of do nothing practice, but fighting it is just another implementation of the controller, weirdly
I’ve come back to re-read this a couple times and it’s been both psychoactive and illuminating. I’ve been meditating for years and few things, if anything, have pointed me towards parts of the nondual experience the way your story has. I’m flooded with flashbacks to trailheads I now think I’ve left under-explored, not knowing that may be the “nonduality” many speak of. Thank you for writing, and for your precision.
I'm so glad that I've been helpful! "Guru" is a title I have some issues with, although it might not have the same baggage for you, but I'd take "fellow traveler" with pleasure :)
Sasha I have been meditating for over 4 years and have on occasion glimpsed some of what you have described, but reading your words gives me new insight and hope I will hopefully be able to bring to my practice. Thank you so much for sharing the “strange” parts of your meditation journey, I will be thinking about this post for years to come.
I have faith that your practice can go wherever you want it to! If you ever want to discuss practice, feel free to shoot me an email.
as always your writings present the possibility that i can be completely transformed by one blog post
Beautiful. This series of small stories describing Eternity reminded me of a few of my favorite authors, who seemed to have had similar experiences. Your Eternal Carpet experience perfectly mirrors Huxley’s Holy Fabric experience. Your frightening and then gorgeous epiphany of Eternal Existence mirrors Nietzsche’s horrifying and then ecstatic realization of Eternal Recurrence. And my favorite line, “……I knew I had been forever changed, into the thing I’d already been.”—A perfect koan if I’ve ever heard one. You had become the “hub of the wheel’d Universe” as Whitman put it. Beautiful.
I really needed to hear this at this moment of my life. Thank you Sasha.
Despite being about letting go of control, I feel like reading this has given me some additional inspiration to practice. Also, the writing in this one was lovely.
I’ve always been wired a bit like this and even more so after leaning into it in my 30s. Totally resonate with feeling slightly crazy.
You have always given me slight "drifting on the winds of the void" vibes in a good way
something similar. seeing myself as a participant in my own life as opposed to at the helm of it, i have begun seeing others in the same way. i am becoming more patient and compassionate. people don't have control, even over the frames they see through.
Rereading for the second time this amazing story has just made me feel a bit freer, a bit more settled into the moment. Thank you. I believe I've seen the Timeless Carpet once. I'm sure I'll see it again at some point, and I think your post is making me realize I'm okay not knowing when.
Do you feel now that everything you see throughout your day has a tinge of the Timeless Carpet, or does it just appear mostly momentarily, at peak meditative or emotional moments?
I have a couple of questions about the meditation practices that led you here : did you ever stick to a must-not-miss-a-day daily meditation practice? If so, did you feel that it was a challenge to do so?
I'd also like to know about your current meditation practice. I mean a practice that involves some time set aside to do just meditation. Do you have one still, and if so, how do you relate to it? Is there a sense of having to maintain the focus or discipline to sit regularly , or is that gone as well?
Ps : Also, I would love to read, in future posts, whatever you would like to write about the void. :)
I'd say that most of my waking moments have some trace of whatever you'd want to call that thing: voidness, Emptiness, whatever. This is something I enjoy a lot, I'm very lucky.
I never stuck to a must-not-miss practice for long, honestly. There have been stretches of pretty dedicated daily practice, like for periods of months, which was helpful, but occasionally life knocked me out of it, and that is/was okay. I think I was less dedicated to a schedule, and more dedicated about looking at discrete aspects of my experience, or sticking with self-inquiry questions, like, "who am I," or "what is mind composed of," or "where is the boundary of self and other," or "what is stopping me from surrendering right now." Before my first big glimpse of The Thing, I spent a lot of time off the cushion labeling self-sensations as "not me, not mine," and that got quite psychoactive at moments. I think some obsessiveness can help, as long as you have life constraints that will notify you if you're being too crazy.
At this point, my daily meditation practice is half an hour ish of do nothing practice when I get up, or "natural meditation" or "give up", as I alternately think of these things. There are a lot of moments of it throughout the day, also.
The void is a good suggestion, I will listen to that suggestion in all likelihood.
It also really helped me to do some half-baked version of koan practice, carrying around a mantra like "what is your original face before your parents were born," or frequently listening to a song that seemed particularly Void-y... like this, for example https://open.spotify.com/track/1d6BkMki9M6K0yp9OLBzOM?si=571e0a2ce1844dfe
Thank you Sasha with your generosity to replying to comments :)
I find all of the above helpful. Interesting coincidence, my friend said to me recently that he was told this same koan you cite, and he told me the story of how it became influential in his life.
I can see how off the cushion practice can be just as powerful, this is a really good reminder, and I appreciate your concrete examples. I feel that holding in mind a question about self is a good practice for me right now.
I'm excited you're thinking of picking up the idea of writing about the void!! I feel like it's become my ''cosmic lover'', something delicious to relax into, and like any newly infatuated person, I just can't hear enough about the object of my affections. I know this sounds weird, but given this is a reply to a post about weird experiences, it might be a weirdly appropriate comment. :)
Sasha, thank you so much for writing this. It came at a perfect time. I've been doing the "give up" practice in my meditation for a while, but hadn't thought of applying it to life itself. Today was day one of total surrender, and it was great, especially since I've been in a stressful law school finals season.
Great post. How much of this was enabled by doing longer meditation sits? (i.e., going from doing regular 20 min sits to 40 min sits?)
So for me there's typically a step change around 50 minutes — things start to get really psychoactive around there (although there have always been diminishing returns around minute 90 for me).
It was also a certain amount of obsessive off-the-cushion self-inquiry.
This is so incredibly beautiful and, truly, the submission I seek from "compare and despair". Where should I start with meditating? My brain feels so addled, my self seems so shackled...
The answer is very different depending on how you feel! Email me telling me a little bit about why you want to meditate, and how you feel day to day? sasha.chapin@gmail.com
So deeply insightful and poignant. I feel like I finally succeeded at understanding what stands in my way of meditating. Thank you!
What do you think stands in your way
You alluded to many reasons in your article: 1) The second-guessing whether I’m doing it correctly or the way it’s meant to be done, and 2) Exerting control has meant a sense of security for so long that it feels difficult to part with it consciously.
Aha! Yes.
In my experience, the controller kind of peacefully settles down if you stop giving it work, like with, say, 45min+ of do nothing practice, but fighting it is just another implementation of the controller, weirdly
This reminds me greatly of Schopenhauer: not his mood, but his description of how life works.
Wow <3
I’ve come back to re-read this a couple times and it’s been both psychoactive and illuminating. I’ve been meditating for years and few things, if anything, have pointed me towards parts of the nondual experience the way your story has. I’m flooded with flashbacks to trailheads I now think I’ve left under-explored, not knowing that may be the “nonduality” many speak of. Thank you for writing, and for your precision.
I'm so glad that I've been helpful! "Guru" is a title I have some issues with, although it might not have the same baggage for you, but I'd take "fellow traveler" with pleasure :)