Thank you for writing this. There were points at which I was physically moved, almost to tears. It's fucking big to know that someone wrote this with the purpose of someone else reading it, to tell them that these intense journeys are a part of so many people's lives, and that healing is (eventually) possible and how it looks and feels is wonderful.
I really benefited from reading this, as I feel I am on some sort of precipice / breaking point with regard to "unlikable" loops that keep repeating themselves. Between the more notable events that you write about here, did you keep a consistent practice of loving-kindness meditation? I feel like this could be a good starting point for me. Thanks so much for putting this out there.
i have a consistent loving-kindness practice now, didn't really before MDMA! although, in a way, EK meditation and parts introspection is loving-kindness through inner release; in my experience, acceptance of self tends to bring in the metta feeling
This is one hell of a post!! Kudos for putting this out into the world. I'd love to drop-in at some point and chat in more detail... I'm fascinated by the potential for 'breath re-patterning' to take someone through the full ride to Deep Okayness without the need for entheogenic interventions (although they can be supportive for sure).
I know I'm commenting on a fairly-old post, but I'd like to express my appreciation for you writing this. I'd been suffering from extremely severe depression and other mental health issues for my entire life. Reading this post, and trying to implement the advice (particularly the EK exercise), was a turning point in making me a much, much more mentally healthy and resilient person. Thanks so much again for writing this.
What a beautiful sharing. I have had a similar journey. It, too, involved LSD. After a mystical experience my eating disorder went away and never came back. I also had had therapy and IFS and taught myself intuitive eating, but the mystical experience was the lightbulb moment. Tat Tvam Asi. I realised the nonduality of being. I realised the ego was thinking of the self in the third person, and that this third person conception of myself was NOT ME but rather a finger puppet of my consciousness. And all my anxiety and eating disorder related to my third person concept of myself. Realising I am not the object of my awareness, I am the subject, and that this consciousness I am experiencing is the universal consciousness of all existence, it caused me to enter the state of Deep Okayness which has never left me. It's been over 2 years and I still feel deeply okay. ❤️🌌
I haven't had any big transformations except for optimism that they will happen, and getting a sense of the path forward. I have the sense that this will end up as one of the most important things I've read in my life.
I read this post a long time ago but I keep coming back to various things you write, and particularly this one, because it seems to capture lots of little threads that you touch on that are significant, and gives a sort of practical hope that we don't have to be stuck in our silly little minds. I very much appreciate your lack of wallowing. Since I read it again this morning, I thought I would say thank you for writing it.
I have been drowning in an awful shame spiral following a drunk, emotional meltdown at a family NYE get together. Today it was becoming intolerable: my innards had turned to ice, passive suicidal ideation, the lot. I thankfully remembered this post that I had saved upon first reading, feeling it had struck gold at the time. I followed the basic steps you laid out, was able to make contact with my inner child pretty much immediately (the one holding the reins that night), and feel an instant thawing of my insides. I understand what satisfaction she was deriving from the behaviours at play that night, and deeply empathise with her reasons. Isn't it wonderful how there is simply no room for shame, where there is empathy?
I can't thank you enough for sharing these invaluable tools here. It has pulled me right out of the mire. I'll be buying (and persevering!) with that book 100%.
Also, at the risk of sounding absolutely bat shit, after coming round from my inner child catchup and opening my eyes, the clouds literally parted on what had thus far been an oppressively grey day, and a perfect ray of sunshine broke through, mirroring what had just occurred for me internally. I don't know what that is, but it's bloody something ❤️
I think this tracks with the general arrow of contemplative wisdom... As Swami Kripalu taught - “The highest spiritual practice is self-observation without judgment.”
And then, there’s also awakening on what I call the level of the gut. It’s sort of awakening from your most existential sense of self. Your most existential sense of separate self is just a clench. Have you ever felt like your gut was just in a clench? That’s your existential sense of self. It’s not conceptual down here, it’s not a feeling, it’s just a grasp. And when you touch into it, it’s a grasp with terror in it. That’s why it’s a grasp. It’s just holding. And it’s terrified to let go of holding. It’s terrified to let go of holding. "
Thank you for writing this. There were points at which I was physically moved, almost to tears. It's fucking big to know that someone wrote this with the purpose of someone else reading it, to tell them that these intense journeys are a part of so many people's lives, and that healing is (eventually) possible and how it looks and feels is wonderful.
I really benefited from reading this, as I feel I am on some sort of precipice / breaking point with regard to "unlikable" loops that keep repeating themselves. Between the more notable events that you write about here, did you keep a consistent practice of loving-kindness meditation? I feel like this could be a good starting point for me. Thanks so much for putting this out there.
i have a consistent loving-kindness practice now, didn't really before MDMA! although, in a way, EK meditation and parts introspection is loving-kindness through inner release; in my experience, acceptance of self tends to bring in the metta feeling
This is one hell of a post!! Kudos for putting this out into the world. I'd love to drop-in at some point and chat in more detail... I'm fascinated by the potential for 'breath re-patterning' to take someone through the full ride to Deep Okayness without the need for entheogenic interventions (although they can be supportive for sure).
Hi Sasha,
I know I'm commenting on a fairly-old post, but I'd like to express my appreciation for you writing this. I'd been suffering from extremely severe depression and other mental health issues for my entire life. Reading this post, and trying to implement the advice (particularly the EK exercise), was a turning point in making me a much, much more mentally healthy and resilient person. Thanks so much again for writing this.
What a beautiful sharing. I have had a similar journey. It, too, involved LSD. After a mystical experience my eating disorder went away and never came back. I also had had therapy and IFS and taught myself intuitive eating, but the mystical experience was the lightbulb moment. Tat Tvam Asi. I realised the nonduality of being. I realised the ego was thinking of the self in the third person, and that this third person conception of myself was NOT ME but rather a finger puppet of my consciousness. And all my anxiety and eating disorder related to my third person concept of myself. Realising I am not the object of my awareness, I am the subject, and that this consciousness I am experiencing is the universal consciousness of all existence, it caused me to enter the state of Deep Okayness which has never left me. It's been over 2 years and I still feel deeply okay. ❤️🌌
I haven't had any big transformations except for optimism that they will happen, and getting a sense of the path forward. I have the sense that this will end up as one of the most important things I've read in my life.
I felt a similar way. That probably tells you that it will be. :)
Is it time to bring back the excised chunk from the 2nd half of the post? (No worries if not but figured I'd check on it!)
Bro, if you hadn't recommended EK so vividly I definitely would have put it down like 3 pages in. Curious to see where it leads me...
What a fantastic article. Thank you so much. So inspiring. This is the year of the heart for me and this will be an invaluable resource:)
This is my favorite article. I just read it a second time. The first time it made get up and DO STUFF and I felt so good. Thank you for this.
Your journey from self-loathing to self-love is beautiful and your courage to share will help countless others. Proud of you, Sasha!
I'd been stuck in a rut till I read this. The toxic background singer in my head and me have a better working relationship because of your advice.
I read this post a long time ago but I keep coming back to various things you write, and particularly this one, because it seems to capture lots of little threads that you touch on that are significant, and gives a sort of practical hope that we don't have to be stuck in our silly little minds. I very much appreciate your lack of wallowing. Since I read it again this morning, I thought I would say thank you for writing it.
I have been drowning in an awful shame spiral following a drunk, emotional meltdown at a family NYE get together. Today it was becoming intolerable: my innards had turned to ice, passive suicidal ideation, the lot. I thankfully remembered this post that I had saved upon first reading, feeling it had struck gold at the time. I followed the basic steps you laid out, was able to make contact with my inner child pretty much immediately (the one holding the reins that night), and feel an instant thawing of my insides. I understand what satisfaction she was deriving from the behaviours at play that night, and deeply empathise with her reasons. Isn't it wonderful how there is simply no room for shame, where there is empathy?
I can't thank you enough for sharing these invaluable tools here. It has pulled me right out of the mire. I'll be buying (and persevering!) with that book 100%.
Also, at the risk of sounding absolutely bat shit, after coming round from my inner child catchup and opening my eyes, the clouds literally parted on what had thus far been an oppressively grey day, and a perfect ray of sunshine broke through, mirroring what had just occurred for me internally. I don't know what that is, but it's bloody something ❤️
<3
I think this tracks with the general arrow of contemplative wisdom... As Swami Kripalu taught - “The highest spiritual practice is self-observation without judgment.”
Love this post, did EK and IFS based on this. Thank you!
Seeing good initial progress. Long way to go!
Found this post which seemed to resonate with your experience "confronting the ego"
https://www.reddit.com/r/nonduality/comments/1605nda/awakening_at_the_level_of_mind_heart_gut/
"Awakening on the level of gut
And then, there’s also awakening on what I call the level of the gut. It’s sort of awakening from your most existential sense of self. Your most existential sense of separate self is just a clench. Have you ever felt like your gut was just in a clench? That’s your existential sense of self. It’s not conceptual down here, it’s not a feeling, it’s just a grasp. And when you touch into it, it’s a grasp with terror in it. That’s why it’s a grasp. It’s just holding. And it’s terrified to let go of holding. It’s terrified to let go of holding. "
Was this what you experienced?