38 Comments

Thank you for writing this. There were points at which I was physically moved, almost to tears. It's fucking big to know that someone wrote this with the purpose of someone else reading it, to tell them that these intense journeys are a part of so many people's lives, and that healing is (eventually) possible and how it looks and feels is wonderful.

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I really benefited from reading this, as I feel I am on some sort of precipice / breaking point with regard to "unlikable" loops that keep repeating themselves. Between the more notable events that you write about here, did you keep a consistent practice of loving-kindness meditation? I feel like this could be a good starting point for me. Thanks so much for putting this out there.

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i have a consistent loving-kindness practice now, didn't really before MDMA! although, in a way, EK meditation and parts introspection is loving-kindness through inner release; in my experience, acceptance of self tends to bring in the metta feeling

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This is one hell of a post!! Kudos for putting this out into the world. I'd love to drop-in at some point and chat in more detail... I'm fascinated by the potential for 'breath re-patterning' to take someone through the full ride to Deep Okayness without the need for entheogenic interventions (although they can be supportive for sure).

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I haven't had any big transformations except for optimism that they will happen, and getting a sense of the path forward. I have the sense that this will end up as one of the most important things I've read in my life.

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I felt a similar way. That probably tells you that it will be. :)

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What a beautiful sharing. I have had a similar journey. It, too, involved LSD. After a mystical experience my eating disorder went away and never came back. I also had had therapy and IFS and taught myself intuitive eating, but the mystical experience was the lightbulb moment. Tat Tvam Asi. I realised the nonduality of being. I realised the ego was thinking of the self in the third person, and that this third person conception of myself was NOT ME but rather a finger puppet of my consciousness. And all my anxiety and eating disorder related to my third person concept of myself. Realising I am not the object of my awareness, I am the subject, and that this consciousness I am experiencing is the universal consciousness of all existence, it caused me to enter the state of Deep Okayness which has never left me. It's been over 2 years and I still feel deeply okay. ❤️🌌

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Bro, if you hadn't recommended EK so vividly I definitely would have put it down like 3 pages in. Curious to see where it leads me...

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Hi Sasha,

I know I'm commenting on a fairly-old post, but I'd like to express my appreciation for you writing this. I'd been suffering from extremely severe depression and other mental health issues for my entire life. Reading this post, and trying to implement the advice (particularly the EK exercise), was a turning point in making me a much, much more mentally healthy and resilient person. Thanks so much again for writing this.

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What a fantastic article. Thank you so much. So inspiring. This is the year of the heart for me and this will be an invaluable resource:)

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This is my favorite article. I just read it a second time. The first time it made get up and DO STUFF and I felt so good. Thank you for this.

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Your journey from self-loathing to self-love is beautiful and your courage to share will help countless others. Proud of you, Sasha!

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Love this post, did EK and IFS based on this. Thank you!

Seeing good initial progress. Long way to go!

Found this post which seemed to resonate with your experience "confronting the ego"

https://www.reddit.com/r/nonduality/comments/1605nda/awakening_at_the_level_of_mind_heart_gut/

"Awakening on the level of gut

And then, there’s also awakening on what I call the level of the gut. It’s sort of awakening from your most existential sense of self. Your most existential sense of separate self is just a clench. Have you ever felt like your gut was just in a clench? That’s your existential sense of self. It’s not conceptual down here, it’s not a feeling, it’s just a grasp. And when you touch into it, it’s a grasp with terror in it. That’s why it’s a grasp. It’s just holding. And it’s terrified to let go of holding. It’s terrified to let go of holding. "

Was this what you experienced?

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Thanks Sasha, it has been a tough couple of months for my wife and I as we are taking care of our two little kids while the the younger one has been suffering some pretty bad skin problem. After all, we all need to learn how to take care of ourselves and know what's good enough so we can forgive ourselves today, and live a better day tomorrow.

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The new take on psychology you mention early in the post reminds me of a "scale of happiness" proposed in The Listening Society - A Metamodern Guide to Politics (https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/36107916).

Thanks for writing this post, this is a subject that deserves to be shared and widely adopted.

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Looks like a super interesting book.

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This is legit man

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This meant everything to me.

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I'm curious to hear how you're feeling now. Are you still feeling similar to how you felt when you wrote this, or have the effects tempered? Or gotten even better?

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