also love the point about being slightly annoying - ive done this with a few people and they always appreciate it after - sometimes people just realize they dont wanna do the thing too, which can be sad for both sides
yea if we all dropped the 10% of things that we don't actually want to do, what a relief that would be! and friends can help us clarify this in ways that we might not quite be able to do on our own
is it? if you're decently acquainted with somebody, "what do you dream of doing" and "so why aren't you doing it" aren't like crazily outlandish questions imo
(this is gonna be a bit long bc i'm in the middle of something else lol)
i'd interpret it through a lens of, "make a good faith attempt at supporting what you interpret someone else's implicit proposal to be – if you get it wrong, bow out gracefully". the tragic outcome is when people are so afraid of getting it wrong that they never even try, and as a result everyone is deprived of the social warmth and support that most people clearly want.
the optimal amount of "getting it wrong" is not zero, as long as you're not suggesting extreme actions like "sounds like you should break up" the moment someone expresses frustration with their partner, you should be ok. generally it would be wise for people build a bit of shared understanding thru back-and-forth banter etc before they start making suggestions
you don't need to know ~exactly~ what people want, you just need to have a good enough idea, and convey that you're trying to be helpful but not imposing. this can still have like maybe a 5% chance of upsetting someone, but that's the risk when it comes to human relations. practice in small ways that are unlikely to distress people, so that you can develop your intuition for making strong interventions that can really make a difference to the people you care about
As you've said this, I think it would be crossing boundaries. I'm drafting a few posts about this currently. Personally, I would first ask if they do want me to give advice and brainstorm with them. And, if so, I'd ask them what they want so we're clear on that.
I really don't like unsolicited advice. (Especially from people who think they understand me when they really don't.)
In general, though, I do like the idea of noticing more often when you would e.g. like someone to write a blog post about a topic, and then saying just: ~" *I* would like if you [wrote a blog post about X/ did Y/ etc.]". This is claim that's true to my subjective experience, and not attempting to be something objective like ~"you should write a blog post on X".
I think occasionally crossing potential boundaries in a minor way is worth it; in my experience, encouragement lands well much more often than it lands poorly, especially with a little discernment about who is receiving it. The small chance of producing irritation is fine with me given the potentially gigantic returns. If someone is really uncomfortable with encouragement, I consider that their issue, although I will not militate against it personally after it comes up.
"How to talk" is great, and thats definitely the best type of compliment,
In some relationships though the hard judgments are welcome, and its worth considering that. If sasha or visa, or any other writer who writes better and more than i say "you should write more and lean into this style cus thats your best" it would be fine, bc they have the right to an opinion on this, even though its imposing. Its still up to me to take it or leave it.
A breakthrough for me was noticig that most ppl dont have the skills to do the better type of compliments anf translating the worse kind into the better ones in my head
ah, I'm glad you wrote about strength training! I vaguely remember at some point you tweeted about building muscle, and over the course of many months that seed of an idea turned into an actual desire to go to the gym! I've been going now for the past month, so thanks for that.
Lord of the Rings would not have been completed without years of CS Lewis harassing Tolkien about it, particularly over the last two years before it went to the publisher. It is not just Tolkien politely saying this afterward. When one reads the biographies (and Bandersnatch would be good for this topic) it becomes manifest.
However, as much as I do encourage others, I seem to have perfected the being annoying part more than the actual encouragement.
great post - you are excellent at this.
also love the point about being slightly annoying - ive done this with a few people and they always appreciate it after - sometimes people just realize they dont wanna do the thing too, which can be sad for both sides
yes, i consider that a fine outcome too; either way, more information is gained; indecision is not neutral
yea if we all dropped the 10% of things that we don't actually want to do, what a relief that would be! and friends can help us clarify this in ways that we might not quite be able to do on our own
visa! ship a printed copy of your book on Amazon pls 😂🙏
Yes!!
hm, doing this assumes that you know exactly what the other person wants, and i think that's usually a very difficult boundary to navigate
is it? if you're decently acquainted with somebody, "what do you dream of doing" and "so why aren't you doing it" aren't like crazily outlandish questions imo
(this is gonna be a bit long bc i'm in the middle of something else lol)
i'd interpret it through a lens of, "make a good faith attempt at supporting what you interpret someone else's implicit proposal to be – if you get it wrong, bow out gracefully". the tragic outcome is when people are so afraid of getting it wrong that they never even try, and as a result everyone is deprived of the social warmth and support that most people clearly want.
the optimal amount of "getting it wrong" is not zero, as long as you're not suggesting extreme actions like "sounds like you should break up" the moment someone expresses frustration with their partner, you should be ok. generally it would be wise for people build a bit of shared understanding thru back-and-forth banter etc before they start making suggestions
you don't need to know ~exactly~ what people want, you just need to have a good enough idea, and convey that you're trying to be helpful but not imposing. this can still have like maybe a 5% chance of upsetting someone, but that's the risk when it comes to human relations. practice in small ways that are unlikely to distress people, so that you can develop your intuition for making strong interventions that can really make a difference to the people you care about
❤️🔥💪🏾
massive upvote on this
As you've said this, I think it would be crossing boundaries. I'm drafting a few posts about this currently. Personally, I would first ask if they do want me to give advice and brainstorm with them. And, if so, I'd ask them what they want so we're clear on that.
I really don't like unsolicited advice. (Especially from people who think they understand me when they really don't.)
In general, though, I do like the idea of noticing more often when you would e.g. like someone to write a blog post about a topic, and then saying just: ~" *I* would like if you [wrote a blog post about X/ did Y/ etc.]". This is claim that's true to my subjective experience, and not attempting to be something objective like ~"you should write a blog post on X".
https://chrislakin.substack.com/p/praise-that-doesnt-feel-uncomfortable
I think occasionally crossing potential boundaries in a minor way is worth it; in my experience, encouragement lands well much more often than it lands poorly, especially with a little discernment about who is receiving it. The small chance of producing irritation is fine with me given the potentially gigantic returns. If someone is really uncomfortable with encouragement, I consider that their issue, although I will not militate against it personally after it comes up.
"How to talk" is great, and thats definitely the best type of compliment,
In some relationships though the hard judgments are welcome, and its worth considering that. If sasha or visa, or any other writer who writes better and more than i say "you should write more and lean into this style cus thats your best" it would be fine, bc they have the right to an opinion on this, even though its imposing. Its still up to me to take it or leave it.
A breakthrough for me was noticig that most ppl dont have the skills to do the better type of compliments anf translating the worse kind into the better ones in my head
🔥
Id add that the 5% chance is even less, cus you can usually make amends, and good intentions are usually forgiven
From my experience, compliments dont force a path, they usually point to a space they didnt consider exploring
ah, I'm glad you wrote about strength training! I vaguely remember at some point you tweeted about building muscle, and over the course of many months that seed of an idea turned into an actual desire to go to the gym! I've been going now for the past month, so thanks for that.
If Alexy Guzey showed up at my house I would get anything done.
<3
Nice work!
Thank you for this 🙏
Lord of the Rings would not have been completed without years of CS Lewis harassing Tolkien about it, particularly over the last two years before it went to the publisher. It is not just Tolkien politely saying this afterward. When one reads the biographies (and Bandersnatch would be good for this topic) it becomes manifest.
However, as much as I do encourage others, I seem to have perfected the being annoying part more than the actual encouragement.