This is not merely interesting but potentially life changing. The implication is that incidents of bullying or mocking or emotional abuse may cause introversion. This makes a great deal of sense to me. Thank you for being so candid about your own experience, and how you were able to successfully overcome it.
Wow, thank you for writing about this. "Instead, it seems like what happened is that, somewhere in me, there’s a dashboard that stores my background assumptions about the world, and the “general social safety” dial got turned down a little bit, without my realizing it." -- what a great line. It makes me think of the other dials that have been autonomically tuned: "joy for life" dial, "belief in my company" dial, "trust in my community/country" dial. These dials may have been involuntarily tampered by some life event and ten years later we could just be living in altered, unhappy selves without ever diagnosing the cause.
I do think just because you are not aware that a dial has shifted doesn't mean your changed behaviors are bad; the body can be remarkably good at avoiding real danger. But to your point -- the body often takes the shortest path towards safety, and if you don't realize that you'd miss out on some interesting scenery along the way.
> Well, okay: is there evidence of this on your calendar this week?
I adore this as a test for what one truly cares about. Well said.
If I'm not devoting time and behavior to something, yet I claim to care about it, I'm clearly being dishonest with myself in some way. (And this would also function as a litmus test for other people's declared values. If they're not acting it out, they probably don't care about it.)
I write sometimes about figuring ourselves out and this piece is another example of how complicated we are and hard for ourselves to figure out ourselves. I feel, without exhaustive evidence, that it’s through relationships that we figure each other out. Sometimes the other can see you better than you can see yourself. It’s probably some combination of both. They give you helpful clues that empower your own introspection. Sorry for the betrayal. Glad for the recovery.
I was depressed for 6mo and I remember wondering during that time, “Why am I so depressed? Why are my emotions so irrational? Why is my brain so dumb?”
At the same time, my social interactions were not going as I wanted:
- I was having trouble making close friends.
- I would like a woman and then never hear from her again. This happened a few times.
- Whenever I expressed any kind of disapproval, those around me seemed to get mad at me.
And I didn’t realize it consciously, but interacting with others felt emotionally unsafe.
Separately, something about me is that when I’m depressed and low energy, I don’t want to interact with other people.
So, if interacting with other people was unsafe, then one way for me to be safe was to be depressed. […]
Wonderful article pointing at something deep and often missed, thank you!
I find a lot of value in trying to catch this type of thing early and agentically countering it. E.g. if I'll fall while snowboarding, I'll make sure the rest of the day is as happy as possible to not have the whole of the sport associated with the pain.
It's also remarkable to me that somebody with your introspective acumen still took 1.5 years to figure out this was going on! Speaks to how much work there is to be done in that arena and how non-uniform it is in many different ways. Naively you'd expect there to be one kind of introspective space to explore, but I've seen this come up again and again, where I'd thought e.g. being an ace meditator automatically buys you alexander technique-esque awareness or really nuanced embodied trauma processing, yet instead there seem to be different skilltrees that overlap.
I think part of what made it took so long is that there were lots of plausible good reasons for being more introverted: moving cities, new relationship, new ventures, etc. It's just that none of those actually covered it. If I'd been living in the same place, doing the same job, and I suddenly withdrew from the world, I think I'd have spotted it faster...
But yes, in general, introspective ability is shockingly non-general.
Been through something similar and it so helps to see someone else write about that moment of revelation 'ahh perhaps I've been effected more than I realize by this'
That was your reaction to a one-time severe betrayal. I wonder what will happen, whether you'll be able to keep your own advice if you experience another betrayal or two or more similar in severity to the one you had?
As mentioned, I decided that there was a more effective way of mitigating the risk — be less emotionally transparent with people who don't have the vouch of trusted friends.
Won't for various reasons! The story itself is less interesting than the other stuff, IMO, and SO particular that it's not really a learnable lesson itself.
It’s one thing to be clear on your values, it’s another to live by them, like actually making sure your actions align with what you purport to believe in.
I find this “mysterious unease” can operate in the shadows, working insidiously to pull the strings behind the curtain but the more I'm aware of how it shows up, even accepting and embracing its presence instead of trying to push it away or pretend it's not there, the better I can realign my actions
"As you build your internet audience, it’s more likely that unsavory people will be drawn into your world—so, be less transparent and trusting with new people, especially people you don’t meet through trusted friends.” so well said.
This is not merely interesting but potentially life changing. The implication is that incidents of bullying or mocking or emotional abuse may cause introversion. This makes a great deal of sense to me. Thank you for being so candid about your own experience, and how you were able to successfully overcome it.
Wow, thank you for writing about this. "Instead, it seems like what happened is that, somewhere in me, there’s a dashboard that stores my background assumptions about the world, and the “general social safety” dial got turned down a little bit, without my realizing it." -- what a great line. It makes me think of the other dials that have been autonomically tuned: "joy for life" dial, "belief in my company" dial, "trust in my community/country" dial. These dials may have been involuntarily tampered by some life event and ten years later we could just be living in altered, unhappy selves without ever diagnosing the cause.
I do think just because you are not aware that a dial has shifted doesn't mean your changed behaviors are bad; the body can be remarkably good at avoiding real danger. But to your point -- the body often takes the shortest path towards safety, and if you don't realize that you'd miss out on some interesting scenery along the way.
What a beautiful way of putting that!!
> Well, okay: is there evidence of this on your calendar this week?
I adore this as a test for what one truly cares about. Well said.
If I'm not devoting time and behavior to something, yet I claim to care about it, I'm clearly being dishonest with myself in some way. (And this would also function as a litmus test for other people's declared values. If they're not acting it out, they probably don't care about it.)
I write sometimes about figuring ourselves out and this piece is another example of how complicated we are and hard for ourselves to figure out ourselves. I feel, without exhaustive evidence, that it’s through relationships that we figure each other out. Sometimes the other can see you better than you can see yourself. It’s probably some combination of both. They give you helpful clues that empower your own introspection. Sorry for the betrayal. Glad for the recovery.
I had a very similar experience!
I was depressed for 6mo and I remember wondering during that time, “Why am I so depressed? Why are my emotions so irrational? Why is my brain so dumb?”
At the same time, my social interactions were not going as I wanted:
- I was having trouble making close friends.
- I would like a woman and then never hear from her again. This happened a few times.
- Whenever I expressed any kind of disapproval, those around me seemed to get mad at me.
And I didn’t realize it consciously, but interacting with others felt emotionally unsafe.
Separately, something about me is that when I’m depressed and low energy, I don’t want to interact with other people.
So, if interacting with other people was unsafe, then one way for me to be safe was to be depressed. […]
Wonderful article pointing at something deep and often missed, thank you!
I find a lot of value in trying to catch this type of thing early and agentically countering it. E.g. if I'll fall while snowboarding, I'll make sure the rest of the day is as happy as possible to not have the whole of the sport associated with the pain.
It's also remarkable to me that somebody with your introspective acumen still took 1.5 years to figure out this was going on! Speaks to how much work there is to be done in that arena and how non-uniform it is in many different ways. Naively you'd expect there to be one kind of introspective space to explore, but I've seen this come up again and again, where I'd thought e.g. being an ace meditator automatically buys you alexander technique-esque awareness or really nuanced embodied trauma processing, yet instead there seem to be different skilltrees that overlap.
BTW, there's a typo at:
"Before I noticed was was happening"
Thank you for pointing out the typo!
I think part of what made it took so long is that there were lots of plausible good reasons for being more introverted: moving cities, new relationship, new ventures, etc. It's just that none of those actually covered it. If I'd been living in the same place, doing the same job, and I suddenly withdrew from the world, I think I'd have spotted it faster...
But yes, in general, introspective ability is shockingly non-general.
Another beautiful post. You've touched on a core concept in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): You can act on your values even when you feel distressed. See this for example: https://every.to/no-small-plans/how-to-identify-and-live-your-life-by-your-values
Thank you for sharing this!
Been through something similar and it so helps to see someone else write about that moment of revelation 'ahh perhaps I've been effected more than I realize by this'
That was your reaction to a one-time severe betrayal. I wonder what will happen, whether you'll be able to keep your own advice if you experience another betrayal or two or more similar in severity to the one you had?
I, too, am interested in this question! :D
> And once I saw the feeling as it was, I could act in spite of it, leaving my house anyway.
Looking for more detail on this - Did you decide to ignore the risk, or had you found a way to make it okay, or something else?
As mentioned, I decided that there was a more effective way of mitigating the risk — be less emotionally transparent with people who don't have the vouch of trusted friends.
my b
Won't you tell us what the betrayal was? (I was also betrayed in an unbelievable and weird way by one of my closest friends)
Won't for various reasons! The story itself is less interesting than the other stuff, IMO, and SO particular that it's not really a learnable lesson itself.
"Photo credit goes to Saul Leiter."
??
He often includes a photo that shows up on his Substack page but not in the post itself
It’s one thing to be clear on your values, it’s another to live by them, like actually making sure your actions align with what you purport to believe in.
I find this “mysterious unease” can operate in the shadows, working insidiously to pull the strings behind the curtain but the more I'm aware of how it shows up, even accepting and embracing its presence instead of trying to push it away or pretend it's not there, the better I can realign my actions
Okay, you’re right, I’m going to compete again with bjj
now i know why i wrote this
Turns out this was exactly what I needed to read right now. Thank you, Sasha!
:)
"As you build your internet audience, it’s more likely that unsavory people will be drawn into your world—so, be less transparent and trusting with new people, especially people you don’t meet through trusted friends.” so well said.