where you do your neighbor a favor, they do you a slightly larger favor, you do them a slightly larger favor than that, until you're fixing their car and they're babysitting your infant for the weekend.
this feels like that for social interactions: you give people just a bit more of your energy than they bid for. neat to see a general model of allocating scarce social energy that doesn't depend on slotting people onto an introvert-extrovert spectrum.
Jun 26, 2023·edited Jun 26, 2023Liked by Sasha Chapin
Thanks for a clear explanation of a phenomenon that I have experienced and felt, but not ever attempted to put into words. One addition, I think responsiveness can engender a negative response if it feels too unnatural or sycophantic (sociopaths excepted). This is a bit like the experience of using LLMs, which are exceptionally responsive but in an inhuman way.
This really resonated with me and made me realize this is exactly what I've been missing in my life. I never post responses to anything because I hate the inhuman nature of digital communication, but this post made me want to respond and made me long for your beautiful vision of a responsive universe. I loved your simple formula: "when people put energy into you, attune to it, and give them harmonious energy back." I can remember what it felt like to live like that, and being reminded gives me hope I can get it back. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this.
Man this is good! So elegant. Still chewing on it, but is it a theory of everything when it comes to relationships? Either way, simple and useful enough I imagine I'll be thinking back to this often. Thank you for the insight!
I love this, and often lines from The Great Gatsby pop in unbidden but connected. This time it's "some heightened sensitivity to the promise of life, as if he was connected to one of those intricate machines that measure earthquakes thousands of miles away"
WoW! Brilliant! Engrossing! Awesome character study! Love it! Not only for my writing but something interesting to govern my own actions as I go throughout my day. Lol
Thinking of burnout in terms of responsiveness resonates a lot (as does being a banana in the dust.) I've been sharing my experience of burnout and there is this reciprocal narrowing that happens between You and The Job: failed lines of communications, broken boundaries—a breakdown of the responsiveness—until the two gush into one another, a meaningless blob of exhaustion and poor outcomes. Reinjecting some bounce back into that relationship seems key to moving forward.
Nice piece.Yet again, presence is a key here, I think and a dropping of ego-driven agendas. To be responsive it's necessary to be very present and open and holding a hospitable stance. So, I guess it boils down to a playful, loving way of being in the moment. A highly desirable way to be!
I watched the halal truck interaction several times. Besides falling instantly in love with the woman ordering, it kept reminding me of something else I’d seen online recently, but I couldn’t place it until hearing an Elderbrook song this morning triggered my memory. It’s this clip of two dancers in a freestyle swing competition where they’re switching up leader and follower. It’s the man’s focused responsiveness to his impromptu partner in an unscripted interaction combined with awareness and delight that someone is watching and taking joy in the interaction. It’s the non-manipulative knowing (and showing you know) that you are a fabulous dancer who makes your partner look and feel cool (even though she is an incredible force of her own) - the guy in this video is impossible to look away from, and I also immediately fell in love with him and then watched the clip several times to try to put my finger on his magic - and also just because he’s so fun to watch. Much like the food truck visitor in your video illustrating how the social lubrication of flirtation makes life just a little more fun. The dance of their totally throwaway conversation reminds me of how people interact at Burning Man. :)
Henrik Karlsson writes about playing tit-for-almost-tat to bootstrap high-trust trade relationships:
https://www.henrikkarlsson.xyz/p/scaling-networks-of-trust
where you do your neighbor a favor, they do you a slightly larger favor, you do them a slightly larger favor than that, until you're fixing their car and they're babysitting your infant for the weekend.
this feels like that for social interactions: you give people just a bit more of your energy than they bid for. neat to see a general model of allocating scarce social energy that doesn't depend on slotting people onto an introvert-extrovert spectrum.
> the confidence to present your character like it’s a fun mask you’re wearing rather than a lesson you’re desperate to teach someone
This goes hard
Thanks for a clear explanation of a phenomenon that I have experienced and felt, but not ever attempted to put into words. One addition, I think responsiveness can engender a negative response if it feels too unnatural or sycophantic (sociopaths excepted). This is a bit like the experience of using LLMs, which are exceptionally responsive but in an inhuman way.
I'm not sure I've ever seen such a succinct and great description of happiness as "Life is good if it squishes nicely when you poke it."
Just to defend my chad halal truck guy: there is another Ronaldo, a Brazilian one, who is also very famous but not Cristiano Ronaldo
This really resonated with me and made me realize this is exactly what I've been missing in my life. I never post responses to anything because I hate the inhuman nature of digital communication, but this post made me want to respond and made me long for your beautiful vision of a responsive universe. I loved your simple formula: "when people put energy into you, attune to it, and give them harmonious energy back." I can remember what it felt like to live like that, and being reminded gives me hope I can get it back. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this.
Man this is good! So elegant. Still chewing on it, but is it a theory of everything when it comes to relationships? Either way, simple and useful enough I imagine I'll be thinking back to this often. Thank you for the insight!
Would love to hear your thoughts on playing hard to get and whether it works.
(Btw: she says “Oi”, not “Hola”; “Hola” is not Portuguese.)
I love this, and often lines from The Great Gatsby pop in unbidden but connected. This time it's "some heightened sensitivity to the promise of life, as if he was connected to one of those intricate machines that measure earthquakes thousands of miles away"
Exactly the right frame for understanding why I find online dating immensely frustrating vs just meeting people irl.
This was unusually insightful, even for you
WoW! Brilliant! Engrossing! Awesome character study! Love it! Not only for my writing but something interesting to govern my own actions as I go throughout my day. Lol
Thank you for writing this post describing and bringing clarity to what I'd felt before.
This reminds me of this thread pessimistically describing many modern technologies as adding more layers of abstraction and degrading responsiveness. https://twitter.com/michael_nielsen/status/1144445213554798593
Thinking of burnout in terms of responsiveness resonates a lot (as does being a banana in the dust.) I've been sharing my experience of burnout and there is this reciprocal narrowing that happens between You and The Job: failed lines of communications, broken boundaries—a breakdown of the responsiveness—until the two gush into one another, a meaningless blob of exhaustion and poor outcomes. Reinjecting some bounce back into that relationship seems key to moving forward.
Nice piece.Yet again, presence is a key here, I think and a dropping of ego-driven agendas. To be responsive it's necessary to be very present and open and holding a hospitable stance. So, I guess it boils down to a playful, loving way of being in the moment. A highly desirable way to be!
I watched the halal truck interaction several times. Besides falling instantly in love with the woman ordering, it kept reminding me of something else I’d seen online recently, but I couldn’t place it until hearing an Elderbrook song this morning triggered my memory. It’s this clip of two dancers in a freestyle swing competition where they’re switching up leader and follower. It’s the man’s focused responsiveness to his impromptu partner in an unscripted interaction combined with awareness and delight that someone is watching and taking joy in the interaction. It’s the non-manipulative knowing (and showing you know) that you are a fabulous dancer who makes your partner look and feel cool (even though she is an incredible force of her own) - the guy in this video is impossible to look away from, and I also immediately fell in love with him and then watched the clip several times to try to put my finger on his magic - and also just because he’s so fun to watch. Much like the food truck visitor in your video illustrating how the social lubrication of flirtation makes life just a little more fun. The dance of their totally throwaway conversation reminds me of how people interact at Burning Man. :)
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CiOFYcYMp1Y/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==