Brilliant post. 1. Thanks for being vulnerable. 2. The paragraph that begins with the sentence “ Almost every man, I think, wants relief from his sex drive sometimes” is particularly inspired, and very well stated. I couldn’t agree more. 3. You really nailed the right tone on this post—serious at times, other times informative, other times funny and witty, always sincere. I really appreciate your writing. Thanks!
This is a brave and sensible essay about a major taboo that shouldn't be one. Good for you. Young women venturing into sex need enough education to understand that a man may not always be able to get it up, and enough compassion to treat him gently and assure him it's no big deal. If the problem does persist, both parties need enough education to know that there's treatment. How sad that the most difficult part may be talking about it.
While I don't have a "that time my dick didn't work story," I do have similar stories around body uncooperation fear and shame that I need to write. Thanks for putting the vulnerable out there.
i really appreciated reading this - especially with how much i saw myself in not only you, but also in the reaction of the partner you described as confirming your fears. anxious attachment leads me to have similar insecurities and hurtful reactions to them being brought up; hearing what that's like to receive is a painful yet beautiful gift.
It's incredible how much being with the right person does for your sexuality.
I've been through this too. For years. The only thing that has ever helped is being with a woman who genuinely wants a good sexual relationship. Not just good sex, but a good, loving, trusting, patient sexual relationship.
I think the biggest reason this happens to men is far simpler than the smoking, the drinking, the meds, the diet. It's because we're trying to have sex with people we don't even like. Or trust.
If a woman isn't trying to take an incredibly active role in my sexual health, I don't even want to have sex with her anymore. Nor should I. Nor should she if I'm not giving that to her.
I think we convince ourselves that sex can be casual. For most of us, it simply cannot.
Love your thoughtful range of blogging topics! I have to confess that, after reading this, my mental hook for your writing has become something like "The fragrance guy with ED who married Cate Hall." (or less nobly, the petered-pecker perfume-picker pro-poker partner)
I have a hero in this department. It's the guy who realized what was happening, got frustrated as is natural, then let the actor in him (good actor) take over. "Let's pretend we're lesbians..." Beautiful funny night And this was a beautiful funny story. Thanks.
This is a brilliant, powerful post that covers so much important ground around the psychological interiority of contemporary masculinity - one has the sense, in reading it, that the prevalence of male sexual anxiety (notice the massive success of Hims and sexual-PED-related services which indicate enormous demand) has something to do with population-level stress that may be uniquely coincident with modernity itself. What hidden background forces make this such a common experience?
One thing that strikes me about your article is how quickly you averted a feedback loop where you might've gotten sucked into some type of manosphere-type radicalization spiral (I would attribute this to your innate good-spiritedness and judgment). Many are not so lucky (or prudent).
That sexual anxiety *itself* might be a causal driver for male radicalization is, in my view, very underemphasized in our conversations about incels, "The Red Pill" types, masculinity influencers, and so on. That is perhaps partly why this post has hit such a resonant chord online.
I mention the latter point because I've never encountered this type of story in literary fiction, which of course focuses on the experience of the psychological and on capturing the psyches of different types of people - for example, men who react *very poorly* to intense sexual anxiety and externalize this mind-body disconnect through highly negative ideological beliefs. In fact, I've written a novel about such a character that you might enjoy (sample pages are up at https://www.amazon.com/INCEL-Novel-ARX-Han-ebook/dp/B0CJQMPDRK/).
Currently about 2/3 of the way through this experience myself. Just started taking boner pills and had a succesful sexual experience. Can definitely endorse that it makes a huge difference when your brain has told you for years and years that going into the bedroom with a girl who's undoubtedly attracted to you and you're undoubtedly attracted to will result in humiliation and shame and disaster.
I also had a gf who I didn't think about negatively at the time who talked to my friends about how I couldn't get it up. That was a a bit bad for the psyche.
"We learned guitar for this!" 🤣
Yes. Best line.
Brilliant post. 1. Thanks for being vulnerable. 2. The paragraph that begins with the sentence “ Almost every man, I think, wants relief from his sex drive sometimes” is particularly inspired, and very well stated. I couldn’t agree more. 3. You really nailed the right tone on this post—serious at times, other times informative, other times funny and witty, always sincere. I really appreciate your writing. Thanks!
This is a brave and sensible essay about a major taboo that shouldn't be one. Good for you. Young women venturing into sex need enough education to understand that a man may not always be able to get it up, and enough compassion to treat him gently and assure him it's no big deal. If the problem does persist, both parties need enough education to know that there's treatment. How sad that the most difficult part may be talking about it.
this is one instance in which i will be glad to say publicly, "thanks, mom"
While I don't have a "that time my dick didn't work story," I do have similar stories around body uncooperation fear and shame that I need to write. Thanks for putting the vulnerable out there.
i really appreciated reading this - especially with how much i saw myself in not only you, but also in the reaction of the partner you described as confirming your fears. anxious attachment leads me to have similar insecurities and hurtful reactions to them being brought up; hearing what that's like to receive is a painful yet beautiful gift.
Brutal essay. I’ve been there. The attention of a good partner in a fault tolerant sexual relationship is very important.
Only thing i would add is that I would recommend Cialis over Viagra.
I concur. Much better than viagra.
why cialis over viagra?
It's incredible how much being with the right person does for your sexuality.
I've been through this too. For years. The only thing that has ever helped is being with a woman who genuinely wants a good sexual relationship. Not just good sex, but a good, loving, trusting, patient sexual relationship.
I think the biggest reason this happens to men is far simpler than the smoking, the drinking, the meds, the diet. It's because we're trying to have sex with people we don't even like. Or trust.
If a woman isn't trying to take an incredibly active role in my sexual health, I don't even want to have sex with her anymore. Nor should I. Nor should she if I'm not giving that to her.
I think we convince ourselves that sex can be casual. For most of us, it simply cannot.
Idk man, I managed to have the issue when having sex with people I liked quite a bit!
Perhaps you could rescue the theory by including me in the sexual equation, as I did not like myself that much.
I kind of wanted to mention that about me as well, but I didn't want to respond to your essay with an essay. Lol.
But yes good point.
Thank you for being so vulnerable -- can relate to this from my earlier years (not exactly in the same form)
Love your thoughtful range of blogging topics! I have to confess that, after reading this, my mental hook for your writing has become something like "The fragrance guy with ED who married Cate Hall." (or less nobly, the petered-pecker perfume-picker pro-poker partner)
I have a hero in this department. It's the guy who realized what was happening, got frustrated as is natural, then let the actor in him (good actor) take over. "Let's pretend we're lesbians..." Beautiful funny night And this was a beautiful funny story. Thanks.
This is a brilliant, powerful post that covers so much important ground around the psychological interiority of contemporary masculinity - one has the sense, in reading it, that the prevalence of male sexual anxiety (notice the massive success of Hims and sexual-PED-related services which indicate enormous demand) has something to do with population-level stress that may be uniquely coincident with modernity itself. What hidden background forces make this such a common experience?
One thing that strikes me about your article is how quickly you averted a feedback loop where you might've gotten sucked into some type of manosphere-type radicalization spiral (I would attribute this to your innate good-spiritedness and judgment). Many are not so lucky (or prudent).
That sexual anxiety *itself* might be a causal driver for male radicalization is, in my view, very underemphasized in our conversations about incels, "The Red Pill" types, masculinity influencers, and so on. That is perhaps partly why this post has hit such a resonant chord online.
I mention the latter point because I've never encountered this type of story in literary fiction, which of course focuses on the experience of the psychological and on capturing the psyches of different types of people - for example, men who react *very poorly* to intense sexual anxiety and externalize this mind-body disconnect through highly negative ideological beliefs. In fact, I've written a novel about such a character that you might enjoy (sample pages are up at https://www.amazon.com/INCEL-Novel-ARX-Han-ebook/dp/B0CJQMPDRK/).
I'm currently sending out review copies for free so you or anyone else can hmu at novelreviewcopies.ndsh0@8alias.com until October 5th.
Currently about 2/3 of the way through this experience myself. Just started taking boner pills and had a succesful sexual experience. Can definitely endorse that it makes a huge difference when your brain has told you for years and years that going into the bedroom with a girl who's undoubtedly attracted to you and you're undoubtedly attracted to will result in humiliation and shame and disaster.
I also had a gf who I didn't think about negatively at the time who talked to my friends about how I couldn't get it up. That was a a bit bad for the psyche.
Thanks for this one, Sasha.
Really good.
I'd never thought about this before. Thanks for writing it - really interesting and compassionate, illuminating re: male sexuality
thanks for the brave post
It was Joan Didion on the shelf started the problem. #Buzzkill.