Brilliant post. 1. Thanks for being vulnerable. 2. The paragraph that begins with the sentence “ Almost every man, I think, wants relief from his sex drive sometimes” is particularly inspired, and very well stated. I couldn’t agree more. 3. You really nailed the right tone on this post—serious at times, other times informative, other times funny and witty, always sincere. I really appreciate your writing. Thanks!
This is a brave and sensible essay about a major taboo that shouldn't be one. Good for you. Young women venturing into sex need enough education to understand that a man may not always be able to get it up, and enough compassion to treat him gently and assure him it's no big deal. If the problem does persist, both parties need enough education to know that there's treatment. How sad that the most difficult part may be talking about it.
While I don't have a "that time my dick didn't work story," I do have similar stories around body uncooperation fear and shame that I need to write. Thanks for putting the vulnerable out there.
It's incredible how much being with the right person does for your sexuality.
I've been through this too. For years. The only thing that has ever helped is being with a woman who genuinely wants a good sexual relationship. Not just good sex, but a good, loving, trusting, patient sexual relationship.
I think the biggest reason this happens to men is far simpler than the smoking, the drinking, the meds, the diet. It's because we're trying to have sex with people we don't even like. Or trust.
If a woman isn't trying to take an incredibly active role in my sexual health, I don't even want to have sex with her anymore. Nor should I. Nor should she if I'm not giving that to her.
I think we convince ourselves that sex can be casual. For most of us, it simply cannot.
YOU! this is not the man who wrote about “needing” sex.
I would never have assumed this is the type of non-casual, connected sex you would actually be having based on you writing it off as what came across as a transactional need in that one piece.
You should write another piece about the fact that you’re a lover, and it’s not just the act that you want. Because this comment is telling me you’re misrepresented by your own essay! More of this!
Honestly, the way you’re describing sex here is a good thing for men to see. This is what a lot of men don’t get and DO need, it seems.
i really appreciated reading this - especially with how much i saw myself in not only you, but also in the reaction of the partner you described as confirming your fears. anxious attachment leads me to have similar insecurities and hurtful reactions to them being brought up; hearing what that's like to receive is a painful yet beautiful gift.
I have a hero in this department. It's the guy who realized what was happening, got frustrated as is natural, then let the actor in him (good actor) take over. "Let's pretend we're lesbians..." Beautiful funny night And this was a beautiful funny story. Thanks.
Love your thoughtful range of blogging topics! I have to confess that, after reading this, my mental hook for your writing has become something like "The fragrance guy with ED who married Cate Hall." (or less nobly, the petered-pecker perfume-picker pro-poker partner)
This is a brilliant, powerful post that covers so much important ground around the psychological interiority of contemporary masculinity - one has the sense, in reading it, that the prevalence of male sexual anxiety (notice the massive success of Hims and sexual-PED-related services which indicate enormous demand) has something to do with population-level stress that may be uniquely coincident with modernity itself. What hidden background forces make this such a common experience?
One thing that strikes me about your article is how quickly you averted a feedback loop where you might've gotten sucked into some type of manosphere-type radicalization spiral (I would attribute this to your innate good-spiritedness and judgment). Many are not so lucky (or prudent).
That sexual anxiety *itself* might be a causal driver for male radicalization is, in my view, very underemphasized in our conversations about incels, "The Red Pill" types, masculinity influencers, and so on. That is perhaps partly why this post has hit such a resonant chord online.
I mention the latter point because I've never encountered this type of story in literary fiction, which of course focuses on the experience of the psychological and on capturing the psyches of different types of people - for example, men who react *very poorly* to intense sexual anxiety and externalize this mind-body disconnect through highly negative ideological beliefs. In fact, I've written a novel about such a character that you might enjoy (sample pages are up at https://www.amazon.com/INCEL-Novel-ARX-Han-ebook/dp/B0CJQMPDRK/).
I really like that all you truly needed was actual intimacy with someone who liked you for you. The viagra helped here and there but in the end it was someone who wasn’t taking it personally.
With the woman who reacted very poorly it sounded like she was just as sexually insecure/anxious as you were, just in the opposite way. That never works, even if it was not personal, it was being taken personally.
I had a partner with serious trauma from csa and we figured out all sorts of creative ways to stop the dissociating. But you have to be with someone who is willing to meet you where you are, like you said.
This was a great piece. Actually very funny in the beginning. lol. My teenaged friends in bands said they learned how to play to “get chicks,” so this is a time-honoured tradition among men.
It’s pretty brave of you to talk about boner drama at a time where everyone seems to be expected to be at peak sexy and peak performance at all times as if we are all cyborgs.
I also really appreciate how you pointed out that women are mean about this stuff way less than people think. Honestly, lots of women don’t even enjoy piv all that much next to other stuff, so while she might wonder if you’re into her because of boner drama, it’s not the main event to give women orgasms ANYWAY. Most need other stuff, statistically.
I know this is not the point, but I think sometimes men are really conditioned to feel like their penis is the physical manifestation of their godliness on earth to women because of porn and dicks being such a focus for men, but there are a lot of other ways to connect sexually that don’t need a furniture-level hardness. Not enough men know that because women are weird about telling them what they actually like because they are scared of male egos around penis stuff.
So yeah congrats on your dick and also on being appreciated for non-dick stuff. That’s a win
Currently about 2/3 of the way through this experience myself. Just started taking boner pills and had a succesful sexual experience. Can definitely endorse that it makes a huge difference when your brain has told you for years and years that going into the bedroom with a girl who's undoubtedly attracted to you and you're undoubtedly attracted to will result in humiliation and shame and disaster.
I also had a gf who I didn't think about negatively at the time who talked to my friends about how I couldn't get it up. That was a a bit bad for the psyche.
"We learned guitar for this!" 🤣
Yes. Best line.
Brilliant post. 1. Thanks for being vulnerable. 2. The paragraph that begins with the sentence “ Almost every man, I think, wants relief from his sex drive sometimes” is particularly inspired, and very well stated. I couldn’t agree more. 3. You really nailed the right tone on this post—serious at times, other times informative, other times funny and witty, always sincere. I really appreciate your writing. Thanks!
This is a brave and sensible essay about a major taboo that shouldn't be one. Good for you. Young women venturing into sex need enough education to understand that a man may not always be able to get it up, and enough compassion to treat him gently and assure him it's no big deal. If the problem does persist, both parties need enough education to know that there's treatment. How sad that the most difficult part may be talking about it.
this is one instance in which i will be glad to say publicly, "thanks, mom"
While I don't have a "that time my dick didn't work story," I do have similar stories around body uncooperation fear and shame that I need to write. Thanks for putting the vulnerable out there.
It's incredible how much being with the right person does for your sexuality.
I've been through this too. For years. The only thing that has ever helped is being with a woman who genuinely wants a good sexual relationship. Not just good sex, but a good, loving, trusting, patient sexual relationship.
I think the biggest reason this happens to men is far simpler than the smoking, the drinking, the meds, the diet. It's because we're trying to have sex with people we don't even like. Or trust.
If a woman isn't trying to take an incredibly active role in my sexual health, I don't even want to have sex with her anymore. Nor should I. Nor should she if I'm not giving that to her.
I think we convince ourselves that sex can be casual. For most of us, it simply cannot.
Idk man, I managed to have the issue when having sex with people I liked quite a bit!
Perhaps you could rescue the theory by including me in the sexual equation, as I did not like myself that much.
I kind of wanted to mention that about me as well, but I didn't want to respond to your essay with an essay. Lol.
But yes good point.
YOU! this is not the man who wrote about “needing” sex.
I would never have assumed this is the type of non-casual, connected sex you would actually be having based on you writing it off as what came across as a transactional need in that one piece.
You should write another piece about the fact that you’re a lover, and it’s not just the act that you want. Because this comment is telling me you’re misrepresented by your own essay! More of this!
Honestly, the way you’re describing sex here is a good thing for men to see. This is what a lot of men don’t get and DO need, it seems.
Thank you for being so vulnerable -- can relate to this from my earlier years (not exactly in the same form)
i really appreciated reading this - especially with how much i saw myself in not only you, but also in the reaction of the partner you described as confirming your fears. anxious attachment leads me to have similar insecurities and hurtful reactions to them being brought up; hearing what that's like to receive is a painful yet beautiful gift.
Brutal essay. I’ve been there. The attention of a good partner in a fault tolerant sexual relationship is very important.
Only thing i would add is that I would recommend Cialis over Viagra.
I concur. Much better than viagra.
why cialis over viagra?
I have a hero in this department. It's the guy who realized what was happening, got frustrated as is natural, then let the actor in him (good actor) take over. "Let's pretend we're lesbians..." Beautiful funny night And this was a beautiful funny story. Thanks.
So you had sex for hours, then stopped to make snacks, then had sex for another 3 hours and cuddled for 2? That’s a lesbian session!
Love your thoughtful range of blogging topics! I have to confess that, after reading this, my mental hook for your writing has become something like "The fragrance guy with ED who married Cate Hall." (or less nobly, the petered-pecker perfume-picker pro-poker partner)
This is a brilliant, powerful post that covers so much important ground around the psychological interiority of contemporary masculinity - one has the sense, in reading it, that the prevalence of male sexual anxiety (notice the massive success of Hims and sexual-PED-related services which indicate enormous demand) has something to do with population-level stress that may be uniquely coincident with modernity itself. What hidden background forces make this such a common experience?
One thing that strikes me about your article is how quickly you averted a feedback loop where you might've gotten sucked into some type of manosphere-type radicalization spiral (I would attribute this to your innate good-spiritedness and judgment). Many are not so lucky (or prudent).
That sexual anxiety *itself* might be a causal driver for male radicalization is, in my view, very underemphasized in our conversations about incels, "The Red Pill" types, masculinity influencers, and so on. That is perhaps partly why this post has hit such a resonant chord online.
I mention the latter point because I've never encountered this type of story in literary fiction, which of course focuses on the experience of the psychological and on capturing the psyches of different types of people - for example, men who react *very poorly* to intense sexual anxiety and externalize this mind-body disconnect through highly negative ideological beliefs. In fact, I've written a novel about such a character that you might enjoy (sample pages are up at https://www.amazon.com/INCEL-Novel-ARX-Han-ebook/dp/B0CJQMPDRK/).
I'm currently sending out review copies for free so you or anyone else can hmu at novelreviewcopies.ndsh0@8alias.com until October 5th.
Phenomenal title
I really like that all you truly needed was actual intimacy with someone who liked you for you. The viagra helped here and there but in the end it was someone who wasn’t taking it personally.
With the woman who reacted very poorly it sounded like she was just as sexually insecure/anxious as you were, just in the opposite way. That never works, even if it was not personal, it was being taken personally.
I had a partner with serious trauma from csa and we figured out all sorts of creative ways to stop the dissociating. But you have to be with someone who is willing to meet you where you are, like you said.
This was a great piece. Actually very funny in the beginning. lol. My teenaged friends in bands said they learned how to play to “get chicks,” so this is a time-honoured tradition among men.
It’s pretty brave of you to talk about boner drama at a time where everyone seems to be expected to be at peak sexy and peak performance at all times as if we are all cyborgs.
I also really appreciate how you pointed out that women are mean about this stuff way less than people think. Honestly, lots of women don’t even enjoy piv all that much next to other stuff, so while she might wonder if you’re into her because of boner drama, it’s not the main event to give women orgasms ANYWAY. Most need other stuff, statistically.
I know this is not the point, but I think sometimes men are really conditioned to feel like their penis is the physical manifestation of their godliness on earth to women because of porn and dicks being such a focus for men, but there are a lot of other ways to connect sexually that don’t need a furniture-level hardness. Not enough men know that because women are weird about telling them what they actually like because they are scared of male egos around penis stuff.
So yeah congrats on your dick and also on being appreciated for non-dick stuff. That’s a win
Currently about 2/3 of the way through this experience myself. Just started taking boner pills and had a succesful sexual experience. Can definitely endorse that it makes a huge difference when your brain has told you for years and years that going into the bedroom with a girl who's undoubtedly attracted to you and you're undoubtedly attracted to will result in humiliation and shame and disaster.
I also had a gf who I didn't think about negatively at the time who talked to my friends about how I couldn't get it up. That was a a bit bad for the psyche.
Thanks for this one, Sasha.
Really good.
I'd never thought about this before. Thanks for writing it - really interesting and compassionate, illuminating re: male sexuality