reflections on 12 years of on-and-off meditation practice
Thank you so deeply for always seeming to be a few steps ahead of me on a similar path, and for writing it down. 🙏
really good overview. i'm not so far along, but i have one thing to add. where i'm at, which is that i have the Big awareness but not most of the time, is that curiosity is what is driving the process. sure, there are times in my life where i can point to my new ability to be present and sensitive, and think, that's what was dogging me all along. but mostly, it's a virtuous curiosity cycle thing - i'm curious, and i'm curious about being curious; i'm more open, and i find in my openness more curiosity, and that feels good, so i think, how can i live in this curiosity? and so the thing feeds the thing and becomes the dome.
"And then, one day, you realize: oh, there’s no secret technique. There’s no secret anything. The question itself is what’s stopping me from fully embracing reality."
Yes! Precisely this. Thank you for summing up so plainly my experience. It's relaxing and joyful to see it all laid out like this in actual Words. Thank you. Isn't it a bit weird and a bit wonderful and also yet completely natural that you could sum up someone else's experience like this? Anyway, I like it.
I have a question though.
Post ''oh'', something was bugging me too. It wasn't coming to grips that I wasn't going to automatically get powers. It was (still is) this : post euphoria, after about a week or two, I started being afraid I would forget somehow the whole thing and would become Small again.
''What if I forget what I realized?'' This question worried me and I could feel the tension it created.
I didn't stop knowing the question was, indeed, the problem. I could also at the same faintly remember fighting against the question wasn't skillful either. I've been doing my best to relax without forcing myself to relax. It still hasn't completely evaporated, I think.
It's become a near constant ''meditation object'' in the interstices of my daily life : can I fully relax the question and just be confident enough to experience the now fully, without fear I'll forget the ''oh'' moment if I stop actively bringing up to memory the event of realization?
Were you also haunted by this question?
Any thoughts welcome!
You’re on FIRE man, loving the posts. Please keep it coming. Moving these emails to the Starred folder is becoming automatic at this point.
I am still Small, but this has made the most sense to me out of all of the attempts I’ve seen to cram Big into the box of words
Okay but how do I get the special powers?
This one: “There was nothing to learn, but you really needed to learn it—you, in particular, were just that oblivious. Also, you can’t take credit for it, because you didn’t do it. You had no choice.”
Thank you for putting into words what I’m experiencing. Without these words, I’d be struggling to even form a coherent sentence about what I’m sensing. Now, with the words, I can start understanding. It’s a gift, and I’m very grateful to receive it, thank you again 🙏
I resonated quite a bit with this one. For me, the river seems to have flows and eddies. I’ve had periods of peace and gratitude and periods where I go back to seeking, interspersed with glimpses of awareness. It’s cool to read your description of what the path looks like, from (probably) a few paces further ahead.
“I like it. It’s somewhat complicated,” is a great way to endorse anything.
I normally find the spaciousness through deep breathing, but the one thing I can’t see as the river is sexual desire. It just builds and builds as it always has since adolescence, until satiated for a moment. Are all your desires equally part of the river, or do certain desires create more rocks in the stream?
Hey, have you come into contact with the uncompromising message, as spoken by Tony Parsons or Andreas Muller?
just amazing, thank you
Have gone through a similar path, but not very much by “sitting down to meditate.”
Constant inquiry, journaling, and what some would call walking meditation/contemplation though.
Then suddenly Big self happened without me expecting it. After that, the idea of searching for “It” was a big joke, it’s always there!
And now, indeed the little stresses of cleaning up the backyard, picking up the kids from school, or work stuff is still there, not in contradiction with Big self.
Carry water, chop wood.
Fantastic. I found the moment I realized had let go of a lot of desire and replaced it with a desire for less desire and more calm was a turning point. Love how you articulated that here!
What an absolute privilege to read this - a gift. Very rarely have I come across a piece of writing, written on such a personal level, that I’ve identified with at such depth. And the use of language to so accurately articulate experience(s) far outside of its reach takes raw talent. Thank you!