really good overview. i'm not so far along, but i have one thing to add. where i'm at, which is that i have the Big awareness but not most of the time, is that curiosity is what is driving the process. sure, there are times in my life where i can point to my new ability to be present and sensitive, and think, that's what was dogging me all along. but mostly, it's a virtuous curiosity cycle thing - i'm curious, and i'm curious about being curious; i'm more open, and i find in my openness more curiosity, and that feels good, so i think, how can i live in this curiosity? and so the thing feeds the thing and becomes the dome.
the other thing i'd have to say is that Big Awareness has taken over Small Relaxation, so i really have no way of effective resting outside of sleep until i get to another spiritual stalemate.
"And then, one day, you realize: oh, there’s no secret technique. There’s no secret anything. The question itself is what’s stopping me from fully embracing reality."
Yes! Precisely this. Thank you for summing up so plainly my experience. It's relaxing and joyful to see it all laid out like this in actual Words. Thank you. Isn't it a bit weird and a bit wonderful and also yet completely natural that you could sum up someone else's experience like this? Anyway, I like it.
I have a question though.
Post ''oh'', something was bugging me too. It wasn't coming to grips that I wasn't going to automatically get powers. It was (still is) this : post euphoria, after about a week or two, I started being afraid I would forget somehow the whole thing and would become Small again.
''What if I forget what I realized?'' This question worried me and I could feel the tension it created.
I didn't stop knowing the question was, indeed, the problem. I could also at the same faintly remember fighting against the question wasn't skillful either. I've been doing my best to relax without forcing myself to relax. It still hasn't completely evaporated, I think.
It's become a near constant ''meditation object'' in the interstices of my daily life : can I fully relax the question and just be confident enough to experience the now fully, without fear I'll forget the ''oh'' moment if I stop actively bringing up to memory the event of realization?
oh yeah interesting, this sounds like a phase i went through where i was like, "oh, my awareness is expansive, better make sure it stays expansive," and then i was subtly rejecting any state that wasn't contracted and sort of mentally insisting on spaciousness
it's funny because you know deep down that nothing can really perturb awareness, but some part of you naturally goes like, "let's keep this thing going, awareness awareness awareness"
the thing that got me past this stage was a tip from roger thisdell: try hard to boot up a contracted self within expanded awareness, like a bunch of tight self-referential thoughts, watch that boot up, then relax and watch it slip away. is it made of anything substantial? can that really do anything to the awareness? doing that over and over again was really fun, psychoactive, and got me past the idea that i had to do something to maintain the fabric of reality
also, one approach, sort of a take on advice michael taft gave me once, might be to make sure that you're also objectifying and including the part of you that's afraid that awareness is going to slip away, put that in the lens too
This one: “There was nothing to learn, but you really needed to learn it—you, in particular, were just that oblivious. Also, you can’t take credit for it, because you didn’t do it. You had no choice.”
Thank you for putting into words what I’m experiencing. Without these words, I’d be struggling to even form a coherent sentence about what I’m sensing. Now, with the words, I can start understanding. It’s a gift, and I’m very grateful to receive it, thank you again 🙏
I resonated quite a bit with this one. For me, the river seems to have flows and eddies. I’ve had periods of peace and gratitude and periods where I go back to seeking, interspersed with glimpses of awareness. It’s cool to read your description of what the path looks like, from (probably) a few paces further ahead.
I normally find the spaciousness through deep breathing, but the one thing I can’t see as the river is sexual desire. It just builds and builds as it always has since adolescence, until satiated for a moment. Are all your desires equally part of the river, or do certain desires create more rocks in the stream?
so, i've found that when i'm having trouble staying with a feeling (like sexual desire) it's because i'm subtly pathologizing it or rejecting it (true of sexual desire specifically, at points for me)
much easier to stay with the thing if you're accepting that it's going to happen
if there are conspicuous environmental factors making you horny during practice, and you can address those factors, that might be helpful
on the other hand, surrendering to sexual feelings can lead to some powerful jhanic states which are fun
I respect the intensity of that stuff, but I feel like it's missing the point. "There is no separate self" is, to me, quite clearly both correct and incorrect.
As an analogy, consider the statement, "there is no true New York." Surprisingly, there's a lot of truth to it – whatever we point at, we can't find "the essence of New York" or "the central element of New York," and when we look for boundaries, none of them are exact. But... New York is still a real thing, it's just a thing with porous boundaries and definitional complexity.
I've had strong experiences of no-self, and it's a frame of mind I can pop into. But no matter how I experience the world as flow and non-separation, it sure does seem like there's a body here, with sounds coming out of it, and sensations clumping around it, and other people can refer to it as a "me" that's different from "you." Just like New York.
There is no problem with experiences of separation, in other words. They're not an illusion any more than anything else.
Have gone through a similar path, but not very much by “sitting down to meditate.”
Constant inquiry, journaling, and what some would call walking meditation/contemplation though.
Then suddenly Big self happened without me expecting it. After that, the idea of searching for “It” was a big joke, it’s always there!
And now, indeed the little stresses of cleaning up the backyard, picking up the kids from school, or work stuff is still there, not in contradiction with Big self.
Fantastic. I found the moment I realized had let go of a lot of desire and replaced it with a desire for less desire and more calm was a turning point. Love how you articulated that here!
What an absolute privilege to read this - a gift. Very rarely have I come across a piece of writing, written on such a personal level, that I’ve identified with at such depth. And the use of language to so accurately articulate experience(s) far outside of its reach takes raw talent. Thank you!
Thank you so deeply for always seeming to be a few steps ahead of me on a similar path, and for writing it down. 🙏
we're all in this one together
really good overview. i'm not so far along, but i have one thing to add. where i'm at, which is that i have the Big awareness but not most of the time, is that curiosity is what is driving the process. sure, there are times in my life where i can point to my new ability to be present and sensitive, and think, that's what was dogging me all along. but mostly, it's a virtuous curiosity cycle thing - i'm curious, and i'm curious about being curious; i'm more open, and i find in my openness more curiosity, and that feels good, so i think, how can i live in this curiosity? and so the thing feeds the thing and becomes the dome.
the other thing i'd have to say is that Big Awareness has taken over Small Relaxation, so i really have no way of effective resting outside of sleep until i get to another spiritual stalemate.
haha yeah i've had similar moments where relaxing itself becomes itself energetic, trippy, etc
i think it tends to settle in over time!
"And then, one day, you realize: oh, there’s no secret technique. There’s no secret anything. The question itself is what’s stopping me from fully embracing reality."
Yes! Precisely this. Thank you for summing up so plainly my experience. It's relaxing and joyful to see it all laid out like this in actual Words. Thank you. Isn't it a bit weird and a bit wonderful and also yet completely natural that you could sum up someone else's experience like this? Anyway, I like it.
I have a question though.
Post ''oh'', something was bugging me too. It wasn't coming to grips that I wasn't going to automatically get powers. It was (still is) this : post euphoria, after about a week or two, I started being afraid I would forget somehow the whole thing and would become Small again.
''What if I forget what I realized?'' This question worried me and I could feel the tension it created.
I didn't stop knowing the question was, indeed, the problem. I could also at the same faintly remember fighting against the question wasn't skillful either. I've been doing my best to relax without forcing myself to relax. It still hasn't completely evaporated, I think.
It's become a near constant ''meditation object'' in the interstices of my daily life : can I fully relax the question and just be confident enough to experience the now fully, without fear I'll forget the ''oh'' moment if I stop actively bringing up to memory the event of realization?
Were you also haunted by this question?
Any thoughts welcome!
oh yeah interesting, this sounds like a phase i went through where i was like, "oh, my awareness is expansive, better make sure it stays expansive," and then i was subtly rejecting any state that wasn't contracted and sort of mentally insisting on spaciousness
it's funny because you know deep down that nothing can really perturb awareness, but some part of you naturally goes like, "let's keep this thing going, awareness awareness awareness"
the thing that got me past this stage was a tip from roger thisdell: try hard to boot up a contracted self within expanded awareness, like a bunch of tight self-referential thoughts, watch that boot up, then relax and watch it slip away. is it made of anything substantial? can that really do anything to the awareness? doing that over and over again was really fun, psychoactive, and got me past the idea that i had to do something to maintain the fabric of reality
also, one approach, sort of a take on advice michael taft gave me once, might be to make sure that you're also objectifying and including the part of you that's afraid that awareness is going to slip away, put that in the lens too
ymmv!
sounds like things are going great :)
Thank you!! What a helpful reply :) :)
literally always happy to nerd out about the fine details of this territory
“I like it. It’s somewhat complicated,” is a great way to endorse anything.
You’re on FIRE man, loving the posts. Please keep it coming. Moving these emails to the Starred folder is becoming automatic at this point.
I second! :)
I am still Small, but this has made the most sense to me out of all of the attempts I’ve seen to cram Big into the box of words
Okay but how do I get the special powers?
I think you pay someone $50,000 in Bali
This one: “There was nothing to learn, but you really needed to learn it—you, in particular, were just that oblivious. Also, you can’t take credit for it, because you didn’t do it. You had no choice.”
Thank you for putting into words what I’m experiencing. Without these words, I’d be struggling to even form a coherent sentence about what I’m sensing. Now, with the words, I can start understanding. It’s a gift, and I’m very grateful to receive it, thank you again 🙏
I resonated quite a bit with this one. For me, the river seems to have flows and eddies. I’ve had periods of peace and gratitude and periods where I go back to seeking, interspersed with glimpses of awareness. It’s cool to read your description of what the path looks like, from (probably) a few paces further ahead.
I normally find the spaciousness through deep breathing, but the one thing I can’t see as the river is sexual desire. It just builds and builds as it always has since adolescence, until satiated for a moment. Are all your desires equally part of the river, or do certain desires create more rocks in the stream?
so, i've found that when i'm having trouble staying with a feeling (like sexual desire) it's because i'm subtly pathologizing it or rejecting it (true of sexual desire specifically, at points for me)
much easier to stay with the thing if you're accepting that it's going to happen
if there are conspicuous environmental factors making you horny during practice, and you can address those factors, that might be helpful
on the other hand, surrendering to sexual feelings can lead to some powerful jhanic states which are fun
lots of ways to address it
Hey, have you come into contact with the uncompromising message, as spoken by Tony Parsons or Andreas Muller?
I respect the intensity of that stuff, but I feel like it's missing the point. "There is no separate self" is, to me, quite clearly both correct and incorrect.
As an analogy, consider the statement, "there is no true New York." Surprisingly, there's a lot of truth to it – whatever we point at, we can't find "the essence of New York" or "the central element of New York," and when we look for boundaries, none of them are exact. But... New York is still a real thing, it's just a thing with porous boundaries and definitional complexity.
I've had strong experiences of no-self, and it's a frame of mind I can pop into. But no matter how I experience the world as flow and non-separation, it sure does seem like there's a body here, with sounds coming out of it, and sensations clumping around it, and other people can refer to it as a "me" that's different from "you." Just like New York.
There is no problem with experiences of separation, in other words. They're not an illusion any more than anything else.
just amazing, thank you
Have gone through a similar path, but not very much by “sitting down to meditate.”
Constant inquiry, journaling, and what some would call walking meditation/contemplation though.
Then suddenly Big self happened without me expecting it. After that, the idea of searching for “It” was a big joke, it’s always there!
And now, indeed the little stresses of cleaning up the backyard, picking up the kids from school, or work stuff is still there, not in contradiction with Big self.
Carry water, chop wood.
Inquiry and journaling can do a lot!
Fantastic. I found the moment I realized had let go of a lot of desire and replaced it with a desire for less desire and more calm was a turning point. Love how you articulated that here!
What an absolute privilege to read this - a gift. Very rarely have I come across a piece of writing, written on such a personal level, that I’ve identified with at such depth. And the use of language to so accurately articulate experience(s) far outside of its reach takes raw talent. Thank you!